Rambling and Writings

This is just some old writing that I had on my computer. I am cleaning up my files on my computer but didn’t want to lose my writings so thought I would post on here since it relates anyways.

There comes a time in your life when you need to stop right where you are, drop whatever it is that you are doing and assess where your life is heading. This is my time of assessment. These last couple of months I have been thinking about my life and my eating disorder. I ask myself what it is that I am getting by starving myself. In the end, is what I am doing going to benefit me or give me something to be proud of? Am I going to look back and say, “Yes, I am happy with what I did with my life.” Or, am I going to look back at my life in say five years from now and be filled with an overwhelmeling sense of regret and guilt for all the moments I missed out on, all the time I wasted. Am I going to look through photos taken when my kids were young with only a vague recollection of what was happening at the time that picture was taken. Was I even there? I can see me, but I can’t remember the fun, the excitement that everybody around me seems to be taking part in. My obsession with food has overcome me. I don’t want this to be my future, my destiny. I want to live my life and look back with satisfaction and contentment, knowing that I did the best I could in my life with what God gave me. That I was the best mother I could be to my two beautiful children. I want to look through photos with my kids when they are older and laugh through the memories captured on film.
 
These past few months I keep running into this lady who clearly appears to be anorexic. At one point in my life I envied her and was jealous of her. I wanted to be that girl, to have her strength, her willpower to resist food to the point of visible starvation. She was my role model. I looked up to her as my inspiration. In times when my food cravings were so strong, I simply had to think of that lady and tell myself if I wanted to be like her, I wasn’t going to get there by shoving food in my mouth. That worked, for awhile. However, my life has changed. I am now a mother to two young kids who look up to me to be their role model. I am their source of inspiration. They want to be like me to the point of modelling my behaviours. This is the point where I have to ask myself, are my kids worth me changing? Can I overcome my addiction to starvation in order to be here and healthy for my children or am I doomed to a life that seems to have no satisfaction.
Don’t get me wrong, a part of me desperately longs to be skinny and to look like that anorexic lady that I see all the time. However, lately when I see this same lady who was once my source of inspiration I start to question why I want to be like her. Would I feel proud to be walking around on crutches with a broken leg because my bones are so brittle and weak that they break with the slightest fall? When I look at her I see her hair so brittle that it might possible crumble with the gentlest touch. I see her deathly pale skin that looks like you are staring at a ghost. When I look into her sunken hollow eyes I wonder, is there anything in there left to save or is she too far gone? Is this what I am striving for? Would I be proud of myself  for digging my grave the fastest with the world as my audience?
There comes a time when we all have to face reality. I imagine what it would be like for me to be that lady and to be rushed to the hospital near death, due to the effects of starvation. What would I feel inside? This is where reality hits. I know for certain that I would feel extreme guilt, and I would  panick. I would want to take it all back. Because there comes a time when the game has to end. Maybe this time nobody will be able to save me because I didn’t save myself. So here I would lie, all skin a bones, dying a lonely death. Yes, I may have family by my side, but they wouldn’t be able to save me, nor would I be able to take back all those moments I decided to check out on because I chose to starve myself instead of face my fears and live my life to the fullest. Is this the legacy I want to leave behind?