Planning a binge night

I know this probably sounds stupid, but I am planning a binge night this Friday. My reasoning is that I see the ED GP on Friday at noon so I will let myself eat whatever I want after that appointment because I have been starving myself all week. I am so excited about Friday and eating it’s not even funny. I plan to go to the store and buy some of those mini rainbow chip cookies, chocolate, some good sugary cereal, doritos ( I haven’t eaten chips in ages) and then i will make popcorn and also buy a blizzard from Dairy Queen earlier in the day and freeze it until I watch my movie at night. This sounds so stupid and gross. I don’t even know how I will manage to fit all this food in my tummy, but I desperately want to taste something, to feel the texture of food on my tongue, to swallow. It seems so long until Friday. I don’t want to wait but I have to. I don’t want to weigh more than my last appointment with my doctor which is the reason I am restricting more this week. It sucks, but I don’t want to go there fatter and then have him think I have no control, that I am weak.

This leads me to my second point. I am also going to tell the doctor that I don’t want to see him anymore. I honestly believe that seeing him makes my illness worse. I feel like everytime I see him I have to have lost more weight. Like if I go there weighing the same or even more than what’s the point in seeing him. I will also feel judged and fat and out of control if I see him, weighing more than the last time. I know that if I didn’t have to see him this Friday I would probably allow myself to eat some popcorn right now and not feel overly guilty about it. I think it will help my recovery more if I don’t see him. That way I won’t feel pressured to lose as much weight or weigh as less. It will help me to keep my weight either steady or even a little bit more.

My husband’s parents are also coming in a month so I will be forced into recovery anyways. So I don’t have much longer in this losing game. To be honest, I am kind of relieved and happy about that. I am so sick of this ED and it’s just getting so exhausting and so annoying. I also think I am getting somewhat better because I have more moments now when I tell myself it’s ok to eat (although I don’t actually end up eating). But I do go back and forth in my head with eating vs. not eating thoughts. A lot of the times I seem to convince myself that my ED is taking my nowhere and that I would be happier if I ate normally. I think I am close to recovery, to taking that small step of change. Not sure what prompted this, whether it be prayer, the work I am doing in my ED book or what. But I am happy for the change nonetheless. I want to be normal. I want to eat. I hate living with this thing.

Although, when I am out and people stare at me, it does make me feel special and triggers my ED Voice. I still think I can find that feeling of being special and unique with time and hard work. I don’t need to kill myself in the process. I am achieving nothing with my ED. What good will it do me if I die. Who the hell cares what I weighed if I happen to kill myself in the process. It all just seems so dumb, so worthless and pointless. Don’t get me wrong. I know it’s not that easy to just change like that. If it were, there wouldn’t be such a thing as an ED. But I think now, I am willing to try.

Wow, you do sound stupid. Do you know exactly how unhealthy it is to starve and binge? The physical effect it has on your body? And as for seeing your doctor – that absolutely does not make sense. A medical professional isn’t going to judge you if you’ve gained or maintained..if anything he’ll praise you for it. How does your husband not know what is going on?

Mace

April 15, 2009

Hi, I’ve been reading your diary for a little while now and I just wanted to chime in and tell you to ignore that mean person that left the note above. What an insensitive moron. As if they have the first clue about an eating disorder. I hope that you’re able to find a counselor that you can relate to better, soon. Often it takes more than one try to find someone who you can really open up to, and

who can help. And in the meantime just keep telling yourself that you’re worth it, and you do deserve to eat. You’re more than a number on a scale. You’re a unique and special person crafted by the hand of God, and He wants you to be happy. I’ve never had an eating disorder, but I do know how it is to feel as if my worth is tied in to a number on a scale.

i agree that your doctor is definitely contributing to your obsession and disease. from what he’s said and how he acts towards you, he has NO clue how to help or handle someone with an eating disorder. it would be a good idea though to find somebody that can and will help you properly, even if it’s not an MD professional… even if he/she is a counselor or some sort.

Jackie

I’m completely understand your thoughts about your appts with your doctor – i was in the exact same situation. I always felt that i ned to weigh less (or at least the same) each time i saw him. Because i thought that if i gained any weight (even though this was what my doctor wanted me to do!) that he’d think i wasn’t really sick after all & that he wouldn’t help me. Seeing my doctor really…

…fuelled my need to lose weight. Even after i went into treatment & started working with my psychologist & dietitian, i continued losing weight rapidly. I had to keep seeing my doctor regularly as a condition of mt treatment at the ED clinic, but with him weighing or measuring me at each visit, it was more harmful than helpful – i still had that rule of “you have to weigh less this week”. It…

…was only after i’d been in treatment for a few months, that i was able to tell my dietitian how triggering it was to see my doctor. We tried to work out how we could make it easier, how i could still see him regularly, but without it being so triggering for me. She ended up ringing my doctor & suggested that he not weigh me at every visit. This took a lot of pressure off me, because if he…

…didn’t know my weight he couldn’t compare it to the week before & wouldn’t be able to judge me based on whether i’d lost, gained, or maintained (which i know he wouldn’t do anyway, but it’s what neg – my ED – was telling me). It made working with my dietitian so much easier & i was so much more open to working on a meal plan – i didn’t feel as strong a need to starve myself between doctors…

…appts. I didn’t feel like i had as much to prove – i could just focus on trying to get better. So anyway, the point i was trying to make, was that i understand that whole “i need to weigh less this time” thought process. But also that there might be some other way around it, rather than stopping your appts all together. I also totally get that urge to binge after an appt. When i was still…

…really ill, i would only allow myself to eat after a doctors appt, never before, & then i would starve myself all week until the next appt to make sure i didn’t gain any weight. But i managed to break out of that. And you can too. I have faith in you. Take care xxoo