OK day.

Today was an ok day. I was definately in a better mood and was better able to control my mood swings, especially my anger. That made me feel good about myself as I didn’t have to feel guilty all day about being such a bitch. My weight was down a pound. I didn’t binge last night and haven’t binged for the past couple of nights. It feels good to be in control again.

I am managing to eat 3 small meals with my family because I want my kids to see me eat and have a healthy role model. I know the longer my ED and restricting goes on, the more detrimental it will be to my kids. My daughter I have noticed like to be just like me in everything. She is a bit over 4, but man are kids ever way more perceptive than we think. I love my kids and want to be healthy for them. I know I am a long way away from total recovery, but I am trying to take small steps. I do a lot of self talk when I feel guilty over eating or something and remind myself that my body needs food to stay alive, that I am choosing healthy foods and not binging so it’s ok. This helps relieve my anxiety a bit. My breakfast usually consists of some fruit. My lunch is 2 slices of whole wheat bread with 2 tomato slices. Then dinner is a little bit of whatever the family is having. However I substitue some things like I have brown rice instead of their white rice, try not to take any oil with the food that we cook, etc. I am getting there. It’s just so hard.

I was going to try to quit smoking today and did pretty good. I didn’t have my first smoke until 11am after I had put my son for his nap. Then I didn’t have another smoke until 3pm. I will try again tomorrow. I am so ready for a change. I so want to give up smoking but am finding it hard. I miss it when I quit. It has become my friend. It helps me restrict and I am scared that if I quit I will have nothing to put in my body and it will make my mind go crazy. I also don’t want to gain of course. I keep telling myself that I just want to get my weight back down a bit before i eat a bit more but it seems this is the talk of the ED.

My therapist called me back today cuz I had called him yesterday and left a message telling him I felt like I was losing it. So I talked to him and that was nice. He said maybe this is your turning point where you realize you have to change some things. I said ya.

I walked to the dollar store with my kids today and bought myself a journal and I intend to make it my "Discovering Me" journal. My therapist said he thinks part of the issue is that I don’t know who I am, what I like, don’t like etc. This is very true. I am going to use this journal to write down the things I like, what I stand for, my thoughts, etc. I think it will be good. It’s kinda exciting to think about getting to know ME. I hope once I learn who I am and what I like that maybe I will be more willing to let my ED go.

My therapist brought up a good point. He said that my ED is everything to me. It gives me an identity, a purpose, self-worth, control, etc and so he said that’s going to be too hard to give up if I don’t have anything to replace it with. He said that I first need to find something to replace it with then I will be able to let it go. This made sense. He used the analogy of a used car vs a sweet new car. I wouldn’t be willing to let go of my junk car if I had nothing to replace it with, but if I was given a nice new car, I would definately be able to get rid of the junker. Makes sense. Hope it works.

Anyways, not much else is new. I am trying to think of ways to keep myself busy tomorrow so that I don’t smoke. I am tired of quitting everyday and never making it. It sucks. I want to be the best role model I can be for my kids and I want to be healthy and strong for them. I know I can’t change everything all at once (although I would like to) but I can make small changes and hope for the best. I am trying. But man, recovery is definately harder than I ever imagined it could be….