Missing my old skinnny self and my ED.

I haven’t written in here in ages. I haven’t seen my counsellor in over 2 months now because I had to cancel an appointment and then we had to reschedule over the phone and he is horrible at calling back. When he finally did I wasn’t home so I called him left and message and we played phone tag and never did end up setting another appointment. Now I feel too unworthy to see him anyways because I am a fat fucker…..I am now staying around 120lbs and at 5’4 that sucks ass considering I used to be 95lbs. I feel sad. I miss be that small. I miss my pants hanging off of me. I miss being somebody. I feel like nobody…unimportant, out of control, not strong enough having gained all this weight. I really really really am starting to miss my ED. Everyday I wake up and plan on losing weight but it seems i keep losing the same 5 lbs. I miss being in control and shedding the pounds. I miss it so bad. It feels like somebody died and I am greiving intensely. ANyways, hope you all are well..