Lost some weight…got a haircut…Feeling great.

So this past weekend I went and got my hair chopped off. It is now chin lenght. I got an angled bob cut. I really like it. Not sure if it makes me look younger, hope not, since I already look like a 15 year old and that is not fun. Anyways, the hair cut is a bit more work then I am used to but that’s ok. I just have to blow dry it if I want it to have volume, since I have really fine, thin hair. The guy who cut it was gay, which is what I wanted because I trusted that he would know what he was doing. And he did. He was super nice and I got his card so next time I will go to him again.

On other news, I have lost about 4lbs and am feeling great about that. I have been losing slowly and gradually which sucks but I guess is good as it tends to stay off longer that way. After that one night binging on over 1000cals I started to drop the pounds after being at the same weight for so long so I guess my body was plateauing. I think I am gaining muscle mass though as my arms have some definition to them from my strenght training. Not sure that I like that much. But I guess it’s better than having fat hanging off my body. I have been watching a lot of shows like Dr OZ and the Doctors lately and it seems there’s always some segment about weight and eating healthy. It actually kind of freaks me out. Now I am scared to eat at all because it seems to me if I choose to eat then I have to restrict so many things to be healthy. What if I eat something bad? I guess I can’t have it good either way. When I restrict I crave food and if I choose to eat, I will crave "Forbidden Foods" that are unhealthy for me. God, I wish I just didn’t have to eat, like had no desire for food whatsoever.

I think my restricting is getting to me however. Today I was very edgy and cranky and my mood swings were worse than the normal bad. I hate when I get like that. I know I can’t do that, it’s so not fair to my kids at all. So I tried to balance my mood by eating a 100 cal bowl of cream of wheat (extra food than I normally eat). It helped a bit and I didn’t binge so that was great. I felt a really strong urge to binge however and was very close but then I got up and did something then took my kids outside to play tennis. I am so glad I didn’t end up binging. I hate the zoning out that happens when I binge. It makes me feel really anxious especially when my kids are up because when I binge I just want, no need, to be left alone to eat. It’s the worst. It feels so great, the food going down and all that, and then comes the point where I can’t fit another morsel of food in me and I start to panic, cuz I still want to eat but am full. And when I am full I don’t know what to do with myself. I just want to end my day then and start over fresh and I can’t always do that right away and it sucks.

As for other news, I am nearing my 2 month quit date for quitting smoking and my weight is now lower than when I quit so it’s all good. I am proud of myself for that and am vowing never to touch a dreaded cigarette again, no matter what I tell myself about having just one, cuz it always leads to another and another until I am a smoker again. It’s actually quite liberating being a non-smoker. I feel like a better mother, healthier, less guilty and just free.

I see my therapist soon, on thursday at 2:30. I am so hoping to keep on dropping the pounds until then but am terrified that I will binge before that. When I binge it usually takes 2 days to get back to the same weight as I was before a binge. So I don’t want to do that. I am getting way better at allowing myself to eat during forbidden times but eating only healthy foods in small amounts, without feeling like a failure and going on a  full out binge.

Another thing that has helped me tremendously with keeping from binging at night is only weighing myself the once at night, after i do my Wii. By doing that I can’t see how my weight is fluctuating with all the fluids I am drinking. Cuz when I see my weight go up 1 or 2 lbs at night, I am more likely to binge because I start thinking, well I may as well eat, seeing as my weight hasn’t gone done, what’s the point, blah blah,…. But now that i don’t know if it’s up or down, I just let myself eat if I am starving and something small and always will have lost by the AM. It’s great.

Well I am going to go for now. Wish you all the best. Have a great week. Take care.