In Control

So I am finally feeling in control once again. I have managed to NOT binge for 3 nights in a row. I usually binge at night and when I feel the urge to binge coming on I usually just have a 35 cal rice cake then distract myself by cleaning something and it works. I also have sugar free candies I have and gum sometimes. I feel so good and I have been losing some weight about 1-2lbs a day..YAY.. Also have been feeling more in control mood wise. I am not so angry and up and down that way so that’s good too. I have been taking my vitamins (one a day for women, calcium, magnesium, fish oil and vitamin D) every day for over 2 weeks and that also feels like progress. YAY….

I still haven’t quite quit smoking yet but I will get there. I just get scared everytime I think of quitting. It has been my friend. I feel mostly like smoking when I know Tanvir my hubby will be going out cuz when I don’t smoke and he goes out I feel extremely lonely for some reason but when I smoke I don’t feel as lonely. It’s weird. Anyways, I am getting paid to clean someone’s apartment in my building as they are moving out so the landlord is going to pay me $15/hr to clean it. Yay, money. My nephew is having a sleep over tonight so I am so bad that I am going to set the clocks an hour ahead cuz he usually goes to bed at 11pm on weekends and I don’t want him up that long. I want some quiet time to myself.

Not sure if I wrote this in here already. But I took my daughter to the carnival the other day and she went on a couple rides with me and her aunt and this one ride I convinced her to go on, saying it wasn’t scary cuz I really didn’t think it was and then when we got on she was terrified. I felt so so bad. I held her tight and put my hand over her eyes and told her to close her eyes and she did. It was called the tilt a whirl. Too many spins….Anyways, there was this handicapped lady that had been watching her so when we got off the ride she and her case worker came over to us and gave Amira a stuffed pink poodle. The worker said the lady wanted to give it to my daughter cuz she was so scared. It was so sweet I almost cried. It’s nice when you witness acts of kindness and reaching out like that in the world. Makes you have some hope that the world isn’t all bad. There is still some good out there.

So I see my therapist on Sept. 3rd. Hopefully that goes well. There is this group he suggested I take starting soon I think from 2:30 to 4pm and I would love to take it but not sure my hubby would want to watch the kids for that long since he is supposed to be working and with my counselling on top of that it might be too much. I do think it would be good for me though as it is a group for discovering who you are and I def. need that. We’ll see.

This whole ED thing is so confusing to me at times. It feels so great to lose weight and each time I see I have lost a pound I feel so determined to lose more yet also feel anxious cuz it’s so hard to starve all the time and sometimes I feel like I can’t do it. That’s why I am also scared to quit smoking. I am afraid that I will gain tons of weight and just after I have gotten my weight back down that would be devastating. I just wish I didn’t care at all. Who the hell cares what I weigh…Me, but WHY?????It drives me crazy….I drive me crazy. I shouldn’t have to argue with myself for hours on end trying to decide whether or not I should have a 35 cal rice cake. That’s so pathetic but that’s me.