I’m tired of fighting!!!!

I can honestly say, I am fucking tired of fighting this damn ED. I am so fed up and tired of it. My head is tired of all the constant thoughts about FOOOD FOOOD FOOOOOOOOOOODDD!!! Leave me alone! Fuck, why the hell can’t I just eat something and leave it at that? Why all the damn calculations and thoughts, like what I eat is some complex mathematical equation. Why can’t it just be food that I eat to fill me up, give me energy, and maybe even pleasure once in awhile? I really hate it; Hate feeling like I am starving all the time. Hungry for God knows what. Cuz occassionally I WIll eat and binge, trying to fill that hunger, only to be left afterwards with a bursting tummy and an intense hunger that never went away. The food only distracts you while you eat, only for a moment, a brief period of time where you don’t give a fuck whether you are shoving hundreds of calories into your starved body. However, once your stomach fills to bursting, your mind is still saying: MORE MORE MORE, so you try to push it a bit farther, have another bite, then something else small. Eventually you can hardly move and can only give yourself relief by purging. Then comes the shame and guilt and the vowing to never ever binge again (although we all know we will , Sometime, Eventually), and so the cycle continues—Year after Year after Year. Until finally you forget how the hell TO Eat. You forget what real hunger feels like, what it feels like to be full , not stuffed but satisfied. That is my life. I am tired of it. Done with it…Well I guess I can’t say done, because if it were that easy I wouldn’t be writing this entry right now.

I am just so tired of looking at pictures of myself or glancing my face in the mirror and being disgusted by what I see. This fat round pudgy ugly fuck starring back at me. I hate it hate it hate it. Hate how I waste so much fucking time with FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDD THOUGHTS….AAAAHhhhhhh..

Oh I saw my therapist last Thursday and it was a bad day that day for me. One of my rage days and of course after my rages I am extremely anxious for the rest of the day. Anyways, I guess whatever the hell I told him left a huge impression as he was worried about me and sent my mental health worker his notes, booked an appointment with the psychiatrist for me and in the report I think he mentioned my kids might be at risk of something as my mental health worker, whom I have known forever and is extremely nice, called me and talked to me for awhile asking about my mood swings and such and my sensitivities to touch and sound. She said it sounds like autism. I told her I was diagnosed with Aspergers which is high functioning autism and she said no what you are describing sounds more like autism. INteresting. When I was a kid I do remember rolling and humming myself to sleep everynight. It was the only way I could fall asleep. I would have to put my arm under me and roll back and forth and hum. Also, I would spend pretty much all my free time with my headphones on and bounce back and forth on either the couch or my bed with a pillow propped behind me to cushion me. Not sure what the hell that was all about. I do still like to rock when I sit but do so in a rocking chair, which is probably normal, although most people do notice it when they are with me. Not sure if those are autistic traits or not but if I am autistic I would have to be high functioning because I know what autism looks like as I lived with an autistic boy when I lived in a foster home with the psych nurse i liked and met while in the mental ward. He was way worse off. Anyways, gotta go my hand is killing me.