I just want to SCREAM

I just feel like screaming right about now. As you can probably tell if you have been reading my entries, my mind is slowly slipping back into the ED thinking. I have become more obsessed with exercise now and am measuring myself like crazy, with measuring tape, not jsut the scale. I also bought a body fat calculator thing from a cheap store and used that. I am not liking the answers they are giving me. Seems the more I find out about my body, the worse the news gets.

Maybe I let myself go too far with eating better. Maybe I ate too much and gained too much fat. Sad thing is, I was just starting to convince myself that I was ok, I looked ok and that I was healthy. Now it seems everything is saying I am not so healthy maybe even slightly overweight. I am sigh,,,,about 118lbs right now. The fattest I have been in a long time. I am only 5’4 and was just awhile back down to 94lbs. I feel like a fucking whale right now. How could I have let myself gain so much fucking fat and justified it along the way. Now I am doing the hard work of losing this shit. I haven’t called my therapist back yet after missing our last appointment before Christmas as I am too afraid to see him cuz I have gained since I last saw him. I was 114lbs then. But I know I said I am 118lbs now about but the thing is, if I so choose to eat tonight say I will gain about 2lbs no matter what. And then it takes for fucking ever to get it off. But then when I restrict good, I can lose up to usually 2lbs in a day. I just dont understand any of it. Actually I think I am starting to go crazy with these damn numbers, my body and everything.

I am so tired of fighting this shit. Now I can’t seem to quiet my mind whenever I have spare time. I just feel I should be exercising all the time and when I feel like eating I just can’t justify it cuz what if I am just eating for the fun of it and not because I am hungry. Like I tell myself, I shouldn’t waste extra calories on eating when I am not hungry and so I restrict. But I just want to break free from these obsessions cuz they truly are tiring. I can’t hardly concentrate on anything at night. Night time used to be my favorite time of the day and now it’s like I end up wasting the whole night doing random things to distract myself from eating, burn extra calories and waste time until bed. But I don’t really end up relaxing fully or enjoying anything I do. It all seems so pointless. How can I be free?????????????????????????????????????????????