Feeling in between…

Well I had a pretty great day today. My nephew came over and is staying the night. My daughter loves him to death and they play great together even though he is 11 years old and she is 4.5yrs old. They played cars in the room a lot and then we went outside and played tennis in our parking lot. Great fun. However, before I went outside I gave in to my hunger. I hadn’t binged all week long and I ate around 1000cals in one sitting. I had a bowl of bran flakes then one bowl of puffed wheat, then some cream of wheat, then a couple rice cakes, a granola bar and a nutrigrain bar. Isn’t that sick. I know. All my hard work for nothing. It sucks ass. I hate when that happens. I could have gone further but I told myself in my head that I don’t have to go way overboard just cuz I messed up. I can still work at this weight and keep on going. I don’t have to keep stuffing my face cuz it’s only gonna make me rage later and regret. Besides, the more I eat, the longer it will take my body to burn those calories. I consisdered purging but since the kids were up I didn’t. I decided instead to get active which is why we went outside to play tennis.

Now, I do notice my body is getting skinnier. I can now see my rib bones and my pants are getting baggier and stuff. But the scale says i have only lost like 3 lbs. Is it possible to have lost weight and gained muscle weight???? I do a lot of strenght training and yoga on the Wii. Could I possibly be building muscle mass which is why the scale isn’t going down so fast. Cuz i hardly eat anything all day. Usually a bowl of cream of wheat (100 cals, I don’t add milk, just water and heat it up and then add splenda), and maybe a couple rice cakes, a banana and then a small dinner. That’s usually what I have each day.  I should be losing. My calorie intake each day is usually well under 1000 cals. I just want to see more rapid results. I mean I am seeing them on my body but not the scale and to me the scale is like a god. It tells me if I am ok or not.

I am getting a bit anxious about seeing my therapist on this coming thursday. Not sure if I will cancel. I feel like a fat pig and don’t want him to see my face. I feel disgusting.

Oh, I was thinking of getting my hair cut short this weekend. Like maybe chin lenght. I have really fine hair and I have heard it’s best to have short hair when you have straight thin hair like me. SO I am going to go to an expensive place and ask for some advice on hair styles. I am a bit scared because I haven’t had short hair since high school. I do have a picture of me from then with short hair and it looks good but not sure if i will now. And then I have to see people and see their reaction to my hair cut. That’s the worst part.

Anyways, am gonna go for now. My nephew is playing Super Mario on the Wii and I am going to go read then probably watch a movie. Hope you all have an awesome weekend. Take care.