ED voice is driving me mad..

So another day is gone. I had a fairly good day today. My weight is kinda remaining the same. It goes up a bit then down then up then down…All withing 5lbs. It can change very fast. That part I hate. I just want a steady loss but I guess since I am trying to be healthy that’s not the best thing for me. The thing I have the hardest time with is just thinking back to me at my lowest weight. I was just under 95lbs and I am 5’4 and at that weight at the time I didn’t think I was skinny at all. And now I am like 20 lbs heavier and I can’t stand the sight of me. I keep thinking of a 10lb sack of potatoes and imagining 2 of those added to my body, hence the weight gain and then imagine all that off me. That’s a lot of added weight. I feel saddened that I used to be that much smaller. I should have realized that i was skinny then and enjoyed it. But I guess that’s all part of the ED.

Now I missed my last appoitment with my therapist and he is away until the 25th and I am thinking about postponing seeing him and just telling him I will be away for a bit like outta town. I just don’t want to go see him cuz I just feel so fat and don’t want him to see me like this. I feel weak, outta control, ashamed and feel like he won’t think I am strong anymore. So my ED voice is telling me to lose a bit more weight before i see him. I know that’s wrong but that’s just me. This acceptance of my added weight is a lot harder than I ever imagined it would be. It sucks to have to struggle every single minute of every single day that I am awake. I constantly fight back the urge to binge or eat something little. I feel guilty when I do eat. I constantly think of food. I constantly do things to avoid food. I just want to be normal, eat normal. I want to learn how to eat without thinking about it so much. How much should I eat, how many cals is in that, how much fat, did I eat too much…..AAAAAHHHH…The ED voice is driving me mad. Go away…Leave me alone.

I know there are way more important things in life than my shape or size but it is easier said than done to ignore my body shape. To just let it be seems impossible. I will keep fighting and one day I hope the struggle won’t be so constant. I am constantly fighting off the ED voices in my head and it is getting tiring. I want peace, a break, freedom…..