ED REVISITING

So, it’s been a long time since I’ve have thoughts relating to my eating disorder. Just recently I’ve hated looking at myself and I have gained too much weight since isolation because of covid. I don’t like my body and how I look. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. I’ve been reading back on my old diaries after finally getting access to them again on here and read that my lowest weight then was 95lbs. Omg how I wish I were that thin now. I wasn’t satisfied at that weight then but I’d give anything to be that thin again. I replaced my eating disorder with alcohol for too long and the effects have only brought back my desire to starve myself again. I’ve had a lot of self harm thoughts this passed year or so and have acted on it many times. I’ve overdosed and slit my wrist. The one time I cut I was so drunk and accidentally cut myself vertically and it was pretty deep. I went to the ER got seven stitches and got sent home. After that a week or so later I overdosed on t3s. I wasn’t intending to die but was acting impulsively. Shortly after that and the cops showing up at my house too many times for threatening self harm, I got removed from my home and my kids but only at night as that is my hard time. Just recently I have had my case file closed with MCFD, covid probably helped speed up that process. Who knows?! Anyways I am so grateful to be back home but mental health is worse than ever. I constantly think about successful ways to harm myself and now I’m once again being plagued with thoughts of restricting and losing weight. I wish I knew how to end this once and for all. I’ve been taking antidepressants but am tempted to stop as I’m fearful that they might be making me gain weight. I only agreed to take them after being off all medication for 10 years because the ministry wanted me to and it was helpful for me in getting my kids back. Anyways. I am still not ok.