ED Confusion

Right now I am up and down with my ED. It seems I can’t make up my mind to fully recover. I feel like I am in limbo. I still restrict but I eat more than before. I let myself eat bits of food throughout the day and don’t feel too guilty and then sometimes at night I binge on like over 1000cals of food which makes my restricting during the day pointless. It would make sense to eat those calories during the day and work them off throughout the day rather than late at night and have the food just sit with me. I hate this. I feel more together when I am restricting and when I binge I feel like I just want to hide away and start over again tomorrow. It’s like if I eat a lot during the day, like say an actual meal, I don’t know how to handle that. I don’t know what to do with myself after because my whole purpose (restricting) has just been ruined. I hate that. I hate the fact that I only feel at peace and in control and happy and worthy when I restrict and that my mind explodes when I eat. I want to get better but I can’t seem to do it right.

My therapist cancelled my last appointment with him and I had called him like 4 times asking to reschedule. I got his voice mail all those times and he didn’t call me back in over a month. So I talked to the receptionist and told her I was getting really annoyed and that I really needed to see him and she said ok, say exactly what you just told me on his voice mail. So I did and I added that I am losing it. Well he called me back the next day and I now have an appointment with him tomorrow. I am glad he finally got the message. I am still angry though. That’s what I hate the most about recovery. Once you are not losing weight or even gaining a little, I feel that they take you less seriously because you’re not in physical danger. That’s why before I liked to keep losing so they could see I still need them.  I was seeing my therapist every week until I told him I had gained a bit then he bumped me to every 2 weeks then he did this cancellation and took forever to reschedule, which he wouldn’t have even done had I not called him. It kinda makes me want to get really sick again just so he can see I am not better in my head. I hate this sick twisted thinking of mine but that’s just how it goes.

On the other hand, I have found one thing that has helped force me to eat more. I keep reminding myself of the consequences of my ED and what it will and can do to me if I keep at it. I tell myself I want to be here for my kids as long as I can. I tell myself I don’t want to jeapordize my chance at health and a long life for the sake of being thin for awhile. I tell myself it’s ok to eat, I am still worthy if I eat. I tell myself that it doesn’t really matter if I don’t look anorexic to other people (I like to look sickly thin, twisted I know), because I have to live my life and they theirs. I also keep thinking about this girl here in town, whom I have consequently been bumping into a lot lately. She works at a store here that I shop at and she is sickly thin and has a grayish complexion and everything. I can just tell she is anorexic even though I don’t know her personally. The other day I saw her limping while on a walk and I felt sad. She is living her whole life thinking of food and doing everything in the hopes of being thinner. It made me sad to think that her entire existence is in the pursuit of thinness. And then I thought, that is me, maybe not as thin, but just the same. And that made me sad. Today I saw her again walking with crutches and I thought, maybe she has osteoporosis which resulted in a break or fracture or something and that made me sad. I also felt hopeful because my bone density scan came back ok so I still have a fighting chance at health. The doc just told me to take calcium with magnesium so I bought that today and will start taking it.

As for my mood. I feel like an emotional rollercoaster. One minute I am ok and the next I am exploding over something so dumb. The bad part is, my