Doing good…Still losing…YAY..

So, I am still doing great on my restricting. Haven’t been binging at night at all. I usually have a couple slices of apple and maybe a rice cake or something and in the AM I have consistently lost weight. Yay for me. Finally some of this disgusting fat is dripping off me. I am starting to feel clean again, if that makes sense. I feel so disgusting when I have excess fat on my body. It’s repulsive and I cannot stand to see my reflection at all. I am still trying to eat a little bit as I want to model healthy eating for my kids. I eat small, very low cal meals with them. Strangly, even though my cal intake is less than 1000cals/day and I am exercising more than usual, I don’t feel tired or lethargic at all. In fact I feel fine. My mind is the only issue when it comes to eating. That’s a never ending battle, but I am sure it will be my entire life.

On another note, I have had this weird thing going on with my ears since last night. It’s almost like my hearing is muffled. I can still hear everything but it’s just not right. Almost like when you come off a plane and your hearing is off, except there’s no pain and no sensation like I feel like i gotta pop my ears. They are just off. Anyone have any ideas what that is???? Might it just be from my cold???? I was thinking of going to the walk in clinic just to check it out but seeing as I have been there two times in the past couple days for my son I didn’t want to go cuz I didn’t want them to think I was like a hypocondriac or something.

Tomorrow the lady from Child and Youth Mental Health is coming to our house for my daughter and her OCD that no longer exists. She’s just doing a home visit to see how she is at home, even though she said she seems perfectly ok to her. So I spent a bit of time cleaning my house today, mind you I always do, I just felt more energized doing it knowing that she would be coming. I am weird that way, I love working under pressure. I love to push my limits and work HARD and HARDER….

I am finally seeing progress in my weight loss and am so so so loving it. At the same time I keep wondering if I will ever be normal. Will I always have to fight so hard with my eating and weight. I hate that. I really do. I just am really trying to take it a step at a time. Right now, it probably seems to some that I am taking a huge step backward with my restricting, but I don’t see it that way. I think while trying to recover from anorexia I went to binge eating (sometimes purging) and so really I am just trying to find a balance and not overdo it. I am not going to go back to days without food as I do want to be a good mom. That is my number one priority, which is why if at any time during the day I am feeling really weak from not eating, I make myself have something small and healthy. Also I eat if I find myself getting really irritable and on edge. I am working on it. Hopefully one day soon I will find a balance that works for me.

I called my therapist again today to schedule an appointment but of course he didn’t get back to me yet. He really sucks ass at getting back to me and making appointments by phone. Wouldn’t be suprised if it takes another week just to get a hold of him. It’s annoying. But whatever. Anyways, hope all is well with yall….Take care.