Confused, Unsure,stuck in Limbo

It seems ever since I decided to stop seeing the doctor that I have been unsure of change. Part of me feels ok to eat and then part of me isn’t ok with it. I do give in more and eat more (at night of all times) but then I feel guilty after, over exercise after, and feel like shit the next day cuz the scale is up not down. I thought this would be way easier than it is turning out to be. I hate this indecision. I had the parish nurse from our church stop over the other day because I had put in a prayer request for my ED and she was very nice. I was honest with her. I actually am quite open and honest to everyone with my struggles with me ED and even joke about it with my family. My hubby says I look like someone from a 3rd world country. It makes me feel good to hear that. That means, I must still look a little thin. Although, I know I am fatter than a week ago and that dissapoints me a lot. I feel way unworthy, weak, outta control…

I just don’t know what I am going to do when I get fatter. I will feel so jealous everytime I see a skinny person and just feel a deep sadness. Even now I feel that way when I see someone who I think is skinnier than me. It’s dumb, I know. I need to find my self-worth elsewhere I guess. I guess I don’t have any self-worth. I need to change. Which brings me to the fact that my hubby’s parents will be here very soon, on May 12th and I am FREAKING OUT. I have so much I want to get done before they come, to clean, my son’s baby blanket and poem to finish. I feel pressured for time. I feel anxious and not at all relaxed, EVER. It‘s horrible to never feel at peace. I want peace, joy and freedom. Seems like that will take a long time to achieve. I don’t even know how to eat normal anymore or how to live when I do eat. It’s a weird feeling. Giving in to my hunger leaves me lifeless and unsure of what to do with myself next except keep busy so I can burn some of those damn, unnecessary calories I just indulged in.

I really do NOT know how to live and eat normal. It’s so weird. Like how do I still do things I enjoy after eating? The 2 to me don’t go hand in hand. I am allowed to do things I enjoy when I am restricting but when I eat, I guess there’s just that huge guilt over eating and doing nothing about the food in my belly, that keeps me from just living on and enjoying the moment. I am scared to be full and idle. I am scared of fat growing on my body. I am scared of being over 100lbs. This is not good. Still, I will have to fatten up when Tanvir’s parents are here so I guess that will be good. I guess I will just have to work on the negative voices in my head while they are here. Maybe by the time they leave, I will have more positive voices in my head than negative and I will be more ok with my weight and eating. Who knows, miracles can happen.

I see my therapist tomorrow and am feeling anxious about it. What if he takes one look at me, sees how fat I am and thinks I am better? What if he only wants to see me every 2 weeks again because I am not getting thinner. What if he thinks I am cured because I am fatter? These are the dumb questions running through my head. Never peace up there, man oh man.

It’s weird though, I never really feel hungry anymore. I think I eat more out of boredom, fatigue, anxiety and loneliness than because I actually feel hungry. Like, I will decide to have popcorn while watching a movie at night and find that while I am eating, I really have no clue as to what is going on in the movie. I get so zoned out when I eat. It’s weird and annoying. I can’t even eat and watch a movie at the same time. I hate it. I want to be normal again. ARGH.

Anyways, who knows if I will end up binging tonight. Hopefully not, but the later at night it gets, the more likely I am to binge. And I can’t just go to bed, because usually I am wide awake and can’t stop thinking about food. FOOD FOOD FOOD> What an evil word. Anyways, thanks for all the notes that you all left me. I really like hearing from you all. It helps me to feel understood and connected. To know that I am not alone, that I am not different than all of you. Anyways, hope you all are doing well….