Back to Restricting..I am too fat.

Well, I am back to restricting at least for now. My weight has gotten up past the point of me being comfortable. I feel disgusting, and morbidly obese. I am so not comfortable living in this body of mine. I desperately need to drop at least 10lbs for me to feel even a little ok about my body. I will NOT go see my counsellor until I lose some weight. I do not want him to see me this outta control. I hate going out, hate seeing myself in the mirror and try to avoid it at all costs.

When I do look in the mirror it just motivates me to not eat cuz look at what I have done to myself. I have let myself get this big, this outta control. I miss my bones, my defined shape. I do not like these curves.

So today, I restricted very good. Ate about 400cals and worked off about as much in exercising. Tomorrow I will try again. I have again started recording my exercise and food intake in my online fitness tracker thing at myfitnesspal.com. I find it helpful as if I have to write down what I eat, then I am less likely to eat it. I just keep telling myself if I want to be skinny again then I gotta restrict NOW. I keep picturing the old me in my head and it helps me to not eat. However, I will not let myself get that sick feeling where I feel unable to move or do anything or where I am completely miserable. I do want to be healthy and here for my kids so I will eat dinner everynight with them and during the day if I feel like I can’t take another step I will eat something healthy and small (preferablly veggies or fruit or a rice cake). I just really do feel disgusted with myself. My arms especially make me want to puke. They look so large and the gap that was huge between my legs is no almost completely gone. My collar bone is less visible as are my shoulder bones….I need to see those again to feel ok.

I have still quit smoking so yay for me. So now I can lose this extra weight without having to worry bout putting it back on when I quit….Yay. I am still exercising everyday and making sure i get out of the house at lesat once a day. I try to keep myself busy throughout the day as to limit my time sitting. I will get there….

My main culprit for weight gain was my night time eating. I could easily eat healthy all day long and now overdo it but when night comes for some reason my mind is constantly obsessing about food and I feel incapable of doing anything else (read or watch TV) until I eat. But the problem is once i allow myself to eat a little of something this urge to eat more is so strong that I can go for an hour and just continuously raid the cupboards for whatever I can find to shove in my mouth. It’s absolutely disgusting. I don’t feel satisfied until I feel like I am about to puke and then I can hardly move that my night is pretty much over since i feel so sick. I sometimes purge a bit cuz it feels as if my stomach might burst. Then, I usually go to bed, determined not to do this ever again. But as you all know this never happens. I may get lucky and make it through a couple days binge free but then it always comes again…And again the cycle goes on.

From now on, I am taking action. I need to be thin or thinner. I am a fat fu#$ right now.