Back to Restricting

Ok, so maybe the road to recovery is going to be a lot harder than I initially thought. I really did believe that once I decided to start eating again that it would be easy and that I would have no problems with body image, etc. That is so not the case. After those days of eating, I feel huge and disgusting. I don’t want to be seen in public for fear everyone will see how weak and fat I am. I feel worthless when I weigh more. This really sucks. I thought it would be easy. I thought this ED was just a word but it didn’t really affect me. I guess I was wrong.

I just feel a strong need to get rid of all this fat in my body, the fat from all the food I ate over the weekend. I need my skinnier body back. I need to see and feel my bones. I need to feel weak and hungry so that I know I am on the right track. That doesn’t make sense but it’s how my mind is working right now. I just don’t feel ok gaining weight and definately am not ok with going over 100lbs. I feel so fat. This is gross. Ugh…..

Today I restricted again. For breakfast I had my 40 cal yogurt, then for lunch less than a half cup of mixed veggies, a banana for a snack cuz I was feeling such horrible hunger pains and then for dinner a bowl of cream of wheat (100cals) and a bit of apple and 1/4 of a 35cal rice cake. Not bad. But I am still not through the night yet and nightime is my binge time. I just keep telling myself I have to get this fat off me, let my body burn up all those extra calories I ate before i can eat more. I don’t want to go seeing my therapist looking so fat. Man, I don’t know how to fight this. I feel so hopeless. However, Tanvir’s in-laws will be here in less than a month so I will have to gain anyways. I guess it’s a good thing they are coming because I don’t seem to be able to gain on my own. I never thought I would see the day where I thought anything over 100lbs was disgusting on my body. I mean 100lbs isn’t that high. It’s not that low either but it should be ok, shouldn’t it? But 100lbs on me feels and looks so fat, so disgusting. My belly pops out and is no longer fat. Some of my bones are hidden and I just feel ugh.

I will try not to binge tonight because I desperately need to see the scale go down in the AM. I am already down 2lbs from what i weighed this morning. So I should be down 2 more by the morning. I just don’t get how my wieght goes up and down so fast. Like, it’s crazy. Anyways, I had a great day nonetheless. I played bowling with my daughter out on our front balcony, played in the yard for a long time and we all went for a family walk when Tanvir came home from work. I enjoyed the walk, but I was also thinking, YES I get to burn more calories. So I was all for the walking and pushing the stroller with both the kids in it up the hill. Back to punishing myself, back to doing everything for the simple fact of burning calories. This is so stupid, so pathetic. I just want to be NORMAL. I don’t seem to know how anymore…..HELP.