A new Year–A new, HEALTHIER ME!!!!

So I haven’t written in here in a long time but that is about to change. For 2010 I am going to try, no scratch that, I am going to be a happier, healthier me. I know I will have bad days still but I am going to actively work on improving me and my life. My first change has already started. Today is my 7th day of quitting smoking and I feel great. I feel empowered, healthy, happy, free, and joyful. I had been trying to kick the habit for so long that I had lost faith in my ability to do so and everytime I failed I would be consumed with guilt, self-hate, and frustration. Now I am smoke free and I love it. I now know that I am being a good role-model for my kids and improving my health so that I can be here to enjoy life.

My second good habit I have started came on boxing day. We got a wii and just recently my hubby bought me the Wii Fit Plus and I have been on it everyday so far. I go for a run on it in the AM and after I put the kids to bed. I also do the yoga and other stuff on it. My therapist has been trying to get me to do deep breathing and yoga and now finally I am. I am actually finding that it does indeed relax me. Another improvement I have been making is getting up off my ass and getting out of the house, staying active. I have gone sledding lots with my family. Even when I feel like being lazy, staying home and doing nothing I make myself get up and go out. It feels great and it feels like I am finally actively living and not just letting all these moments in life pass me by.

I am still, however, having a hard time accepting my body for what it is. Right now I am at my healthy weight and hating every inch of me. So, in order to calm my mind a bit I keep active. At least that way I am still burning some calories. I am trying my best to eat normal when I eat, not restrict too much, as I know that leads to binges. I try to restrict my eating at night now as I used to binge lots at night. It’s getting easier. With quitting smoking and all I haven’t really gained any weight either. If I feel really hungry at night and feel the desire to munch I grab my bag of spitz (B-B-Q flavor as I like my sweets and those are the ones that dont make my mouth go raw) and have some of those. I eat the ones with shells of course as they take longer to eat so I eat less cals. They’re healthy too and not calorie dense. Also, diet coke, really fills me up….All in all, I am getting there….I am trying to lose weight still, just a bit. I still feel jealous when I see someone who is skinny or clearly anorexic. It definately puts my ED Voice in full throtal. Recovery has been hard and still is hard, but then I ask myself, do I really want to starve and be thin just to be skinny and miss out on all those wonderful moments in life just for those few moments when I feel special, powerful, in control and worthy. I am learning to choose living. I sometimes try to convince myself that I could have both but i know that that’s not really possible. I can’t be sick and skinny and still be happy and healthy and living life. I know that when I was at my worst, I could hardly stand up let alone enjoy anything. I just gotta keep reminding myself of that and finding other ways to make myself stand out, to be noticed, to feel special and loved and worthy.

A lot of people have been dying lately, some that I have known, other unknown but still death all the same. To me death is terrifying and with every death I ask myself, "Did that person live their life to the fullest?" If they would have known that that was their last day, would they maybe have changed what they did or said. I know if today were my last I would not be satisfied with how I have lived thus far and this pushes me to change. Death is so final, and with life, you only get one shot. You are only in this moment once and once that time is gone it’s gone. You can change yourself and move forward but you can never buy back time. I want to use my time wisely.