pulled between 2 loves

God its been over a year since I wrote in this.

Life is pretty crazy right now. I’m engaged. Wedding is Aug 15, 2014. Decided to go back to school. So I just finished my first semester back. Next semester I’m doing 16 credits… plus working 30+ hours a week at my new job. Finishing up the planning for the wedding. Trying to spend time with friends and family as much as possible.

So here comes the problem in my life. So my ex Alex came back into my life about a month and half ago. I thought I could be friends with him cuz I had forgave him for everything that happened. BUT he still is completely in love with me and he always tells me that he is. I’m not going to lie I still care about him a lot but I don’t know if its worth loosing Richard over being friends with Alex. Richard doesn’t know that were talking and I want to keep it that way for a while. Alex has hung out like 6 times since we started talking again. He really wants to get back together and if I wasn’t with Richard I probably would but I’m not going to leave Richard for Alex b/c of the situation I was in the first time with Alex. The only problem is when I actually hang out with him I get all the same feelings I had before and its like we never broke up. We still have that connect the only thing different is that were not kissing or anything. Hes asked if it would be ok to kiss me a few times but I always tell him I can’t betray Richard like that. I would never be that type of person I would break up with him before I did anything with Alex but sometimes its hard to tell Alex no. IDK what to do cuz I’m completely in love with Richard but I still love Alex too.

Leaving Richard for Alex would be the worst decision I ever made. Richard can take care of me if I needed him to. Hes not selfish and I’m my complete self when I’m with him. Alex I don’t know could actually take care of me if I needed him to. Its not that hes selfish but he doesn’t always think about others. Hes bull-headed (just like me…we butt heads all the fucking time) and its either his way or no way. But its gotta mean something when we’ve been broken up for over 2 1/2 years and hes still completely in love with me like we never broke up.

Its driving me crazy that I’ve put myself in this situation. I didn’t think it would be a problem and I see that I was completely wrong. I really need to decide if I can still be his friend or not real soon before something else happens.

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!