just hit hard

I was reading a few things tonight that kinda made me laugh but also made me think for a while. Like i said a while back in some entries i said i was reading my old entries…well i went back to some of them. I always complained that i was bored or there was nothing to do or someone didnt talk to me or my online guy wasnt talking to me… or that dumbass scott would never get on or call me or show up when he said he would. then i was reading some friends and seeing how much they complained back then too. and i really dont know why i thought all that stuff was important. i kinda noticed somethings i said that really bothered me as well. it kinda shows me that i was really depressed when i was younger….even if i didnt say it or didnt really lead on but a few things that i said just makes me know i was. i was really depressed when i was younger. and im sure most ppl would say why the fuck would you be depressed. you came from a military family who got to travel all over the place and we sure werent poor when i was growing up. i also had a huge family support group…why would i be depressed. well to be honest…i HATED my life…ive always hated my life for something. i hated moving every 3 yrs…moving to a new school….making new friends…being judged… then moving all over again. also hated having to choose who to hang out with cuz if i hung out with the wrong person then i wasnt popular anymore. then it got to the point that EVERYONE came to me for advice[ which is completely fine i love helping ppl with probs] but then i couldnt complain about my own probs. i really needed to do that a few times and it never could happen. so then when i got older i just got use to know expressing my feelings and my problems so i keep them in until i explode. im just glad i didnt explode so much that something happened. yes i will admit i use to cut my self and i still have urges to at times now. it was something that helped release my probs. i cut myself in germany alot but it was in places no one could see cuz i knew if this certain person found out i would get my ass kicked. and i will admit while i was doing that i was telling that certain person not to do the same damn thing. and i shouldnt of done that. but i guess i didnt want her doin that to her self when i knew it wasnt right but i couldnt help but not do it.

Moving to VA helped alot in many ways. yes i still was the person that was called in every hour of the night to solve their problem but i found someone to express my problems to as well. he was the first person i told about something that really bothers me. hes who i sleep with every night and wake up to every morning. he is who i have given my whole heart to and hes the one that i want to spend the rest of my life with. hes the one i want to call the father of my kids. hes mine and im so thankful for him. im so not depressed anymore and ive actually just realized it tonight. im actually happy. im happy where my life is…im happy how i am…im just happy.