hiding under a mask

so i have a confession to make. lifes been pretty shitty lately…actually pretty shitty since the week before Thanksgiving. Nov. 19th changed my life and not in a good way. Nov. 19th was the last time I got to hug or kiss Alex. I can’t actually tell you whats going on but what I can say is he hasnt been around….not because we broke up or anything cuz we havent, but b/c of his past hes “contained” for the time being. WHICH SUCKS! has made my life so stressful not to mention just our relationship in general has been stressful. Well probably is with all this stress I have been sick since Thanksgiving. Had the cold and then in the middle of the cold, I actually got the flu, well then after the flu I still had the cold. I got rid of the cold about a week and half ago, well yesterday I got a cold again…IM NOT USUALLY LIKE THIS!!! I never get sick and its just all the stress and I havent been sleeping much, I hardly eat so my whole body is just worn out and it sucks ass. On top of that ever since Nov. 19th Ive had a problem with shaking. like if I lift my hand up and just look at it you can see that I shake constantly…it can get pretty bad where I cant hold anything in that hand. I know its cuz all the stress and worrying about him but its freakin annoying. Well I finally told Alex about it today and he was upset that I had waited so long to tell him and hes now even more worried about me then he was before. Im hoping to be able to hug and kiss him again on Jan 20th and if not then by Jan. 24th. 2 freaking months by then….WTF! its been soooo hard for me with all this happening. he was my world. i really dont trust anyone here and it pisses me off that i ever left VA b/c I actually did trust ppl there. so he was my world and he was taken from me in a matter of a second and it kills me.

but to much surprise this has actually helped me a little…just write all this down has brought some peace to me for a few minutes. It feels good and I can’t wait to have peace completely when all of this is over with. we will see how long that will be….