sorting and processing; aka, why I hate the game

I’m kinda trying to work through some things here….how I feel vs how I should feel. Is what I feel valid? Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?
I don’t know, and it’s hard to find the answer. Because to some extent it is an addiction, and when you talk to someone about an addiction, they get defensive immediately and it’s hard to have a productive conversation.

So I guess I should get to the problem.

World of Warcraft.

I used to love this game, I still play it; as well as many others…so I am coming at this with the perspective of a gamer.

Anyway…B currently loves this game and eats and sleeps and breathes this game.
When we first started dating, we rarely played. One night a week maybe, and aside from that he’d write and I’d read. Or we’d play a console game together. It. Was. Awesome.
Then the new expansion at the time came out, Warlords, and everything else went to shit. It was WoW every night.
He’d complain about not having time to work on his book, so I’d suggest maybe skip wow? LOLOLOL…nope.
So in order to give him more time to write, I tried to take over some of his chores.
This only made me resentful. Because I’d bust my ass at work all day, bust my ass making dinner for him, and doing chores…and he’d say things like “So I was on the forums today…” or when we would play, he’d already done all his world quests, and things of the like.
That’s why you don’t have time to write, asshole.

So that was strike one against the game.
Strike 2, is there’s this whore that plays that think’s shes got some claim to him. And instead of putting her in her place he’d talk to her. Idt there’s anything going on, as far as he’s concerned…but he got so annoyed that I hated this woman and I didn’t hide it. And I just kinda felt like…ok, how much can I mean to him if he knows this upsets me, and he still wants to talk to this woman? I embrace his real life friends and try to plan times for us to do things together..so it’s not a situation where I want him to myself.

Strike 3 is..During groups (raids) It’s not just he doesn’t try to bring me into the conversation, it’s just I feel like I stop existing…And right now I’m in DC with the safety patrols. And B has been very sweet and texted me during the day and when he has texted, he genuinely sounds like he misses me.
But at night, I don’t hear from him. At all. He’s too busy with his little wow friends to say hi to me.
And it just makes me feel like when it comes to that game, I come in second place.

I legitimately feel like he loves me. He cares about me…have no doubts. But I feel like I lose every time when it comes to that game. He has changed a lot for the better in most ways…I really need to try harder to focus on the bigger picture.

Now…where my struggle and questioning comes in. I have anxiety. And my self esteem was never that great. And I’m shy.
Part of me feels like I should just be joining in. I mean, I play with him…but joining in like talking in our group voice server. It’s not like he’s excluding me. I think he looks at things like we’re a team, but it sure as fuck doesn’t feel like it some times.

Ok I think I’m done venting for now.  I’m go try and write an entry focusing on the good things.