daddy

Next Month it will mark an year my father passed. I still can’t believe that he is gone. I never thought that i would have to bury my dad, i always thought that he would out live me. If you knew my father you would have thought the same. He was only 55 years old, I love my dad but i didn’t know him, i mean i knew him. but i didn’t know much about him, he never actually made the time to get to know me or my sister which i have 5 sisters if not more. Still i feel some type of way without him.

My Parents have been separated since my sister was born she is 30 now, Since he is gone i can be honest about who he was, for as long I can remember my father was a drug dealer probably the main reason why he was never around. I don’t remember much about him, what I do remember was mostly the summers I spend with him, which only last a few years, he was sent to prison for about 5 to 6 years I can’t remember.

I feel like I was somewhat close to my dad up until I started to think for myself and wanted different in a family life. I never liked any of his girlfriends, except for the women he left my mother for. even thou he left my mother for her I think it was best for my mother that he did, besides his girlfriend was good for him but as always my father only thought about himself. Makes me wonder if that is why I ended up/ involved with someone who is somewhat like him.

I wish I had better memories of him instead of the fights he and my mother had, I have never talked about them and I probably never will since I only remember bits and pieces of those nights. I think that is also the reason why I am able to slept thru anything and why as soon and my children cry I wake up out of a deep sleep.

It makes me really sad to think that my father died alone in a hospital with no family with him. the night he died my family was celebrating my grandfathers Birthday and my older sister and I don’t live in Texas anymore so we definitely were not with him. It makes me mad because we all knew that he wanted to be out here with us my sister and I, and we did everything we could to bringing him out here, but my grandmother wouldn’t let go and we couldn’t find a facility that would take him. He was in a home for the past 5 years due to having several strokes while under the knife. I know he was depressed, I know when he died he had given up on living, I felt it in my soul but what can you do when a mother says no to letting go of their child. yes we didn’t pick up an move but like I said before I loved my father and my have bee closer to him then my sister but I didn’t know him enough to just pick up my life and move for him. he never put his life on hold to help raise me or my sisters. If that was wrong of me oh well their is nothing more I can do about that except keep my fathers memory a live even if I hardly knew him.