Show Me

OK, then.

You are doing your best and feel your best isn’t good enough?

I can understand how doing that for so long begins to wear on you.  How long has it been, by the way, that you were trying your hardest?  Tell me your analysis, after all this work.  What is left to be done in order to rebuild what we had?  What is your plan?

You are perhaps right to say that all is not forgiven; certainly it is not forgotten.  How many tears have been shed as you agonized what could have been done different and how you can manage it in the future.  Two weeks I have been gone, and yet your efforts are now and have been the extent of what you are willing to do?  What have I asked for and what have you given in terms of communication?  Day to day updates may have been what I sent you while you were away but I also ALWAYS almost I am sure gave you insight into my internal state.  The intimacy that comes with communication of our flaws and insecurities so that we can grow as a team.  This is what was not within your best to give, you asserted.  This is what was just too much for you to give, you cried.  This was what you just couldn’t do but that you would work on, you promised.

Your hurt or anger at me not talking to you.  How long have you felt that?  Want to compare notes?

There is NOTHING that I do for just one reason.  This trip COULD be good for us, but that was NOT the point.  I offered to stack that benefit on top of what was happening.   HOW did you expect that to manifest?  Merely mimicking what I gave you without the other things that I gave you?  This is not nor has ever been the intimacy I needed from you.  WE do not have anything to work on, dear.  YOU have been remiss.  And now you take that knowledge and throw it in my face and say I AM SLACKING?

I disagree.  I did my work.  I am now doing other work.   Tell me, then, what is it you NEED that I can provide that you are not getting?  Tell me what it is I NEED that you could provide that I was not getting?  What are your needs and desires and what is your plan to achieve them?  If your plan is to get mad at me, this is not effective but it will allow you to feel it is not your fault.  Is this enough?  I go the other way, when I want something.  I see it ALL as my fault.  I have never ever been disappointed with this process.

You are loved.  I love you and miss you.  I don’t miss it all.  The damage I told you WAS REAL; you expected this to not have an effect on me?  To just go away?  It does not work like that, and only hope bullshits us enough to think it so.  Your mind knows that it is impossible.  Your heart knows that it is impossible.  But you write to me it is expected.

OK.  Show me.

 

A better motto for hill people is: “It Works Just As Good!”