ptsd

my ministry of labourr representative called…. and so it begins
 
it’s an odd place to know there’s this vague hostility brewing just for me.  it’s a weird feeling to know it might not go anywhere and that i’ll feel stupid and have to walk it off.
 
it makes my stomach sick to know that  there’s still the walk through and the conference
 
knowing that i have that appointment may 5th with a therapist and we’re deciding if I need a shrink just makes me want to break things.  i’ve been so diligent about scheduling my saddness and finding it so much an imposition.  i know how many times people have offered to take me to the cemetary but it takes so much energy  to go there and smile down at his name.
 
i just want to keep pretending that he’s just not home right now….. not that i am.  i know in my logical mind what i am saying but i use emotion to push other ones away.  like i create the sensation of waiting for him to come home and i hide in it when any other feelings show up.  i’m not explaining it well…. but i guess i don’t have to.
 
it feels counter productive to rat my work/the church out, take myself out of work and put myself through unimaginable misery for no good reason.  when it all falls away he will still be dead and i will still miss him unmercifully and things will never be wholly good again.  if it weren’t for my lack of stability i would never subject myself to this torture.
 
so….yeah…. i do’nt want to do this because i never do anything a little bit.  i can hardly imagine how deep my rage and sadness truly is and i don’t want to touch it at all.  i don’t know if jordan will last through this process.  i don’t even think he understands the concept.  why i thought i could avoid it  i don’t know.  i thought i was keeping my spirits up.  okay.  i’m just rambling now.
 
ptsd….. wwwwhaaaat.   so i’ve signed up for an amputation without any anaesthetic…. how hard can that be?