info

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But…there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that’s how awful the loss is! – Neugeboren 1976, 154

Parental Grief

The theme of parental mourning has been a universal one throughout the centuries. In the literature on bereavement, writers repeat certain themes, thoughts, and reflections; they talk of the powerful and often conflicting emotions involved in "the pain of grief and the spiral of mourning; [they refer to] the heartbreak at the heart of things…grief’s contradictions"; they speak of parents devastated by grief (Moffat 1992, xxiii).

It is frequently said that the grief of bereaved parents is the most intense grief known. When a child dies, parents feel that a part of them has died, that a vital and core part of them has been ripped away. Bereaved parents indeed do feel that the death of their child is "the ultimate deprivation" (Arnold and Gemma 1994, 40). The grief caused by their child’s death is not only painful but profoundly disorienting-children are not supposed to die. These parents are forced to confront an extremely painful and stressful paradox; they are faced with a situation in which they must deal both with the grief caused by their child’s death and with their inherent need to continue to live their own lives as fully as possible. Thus, bereaved parents must deal with the contradictory burden of wanting to be free of this overwhelming pain and yet needing it as a reminder of the child who died.

Bereaved parents continue to be parents of the child who died. They will always feel the empty place in their hearts caused by the child’s death; they were, and always will be, the loving father and mother of that child. Yet, these parents have to accept that they will never be able to live their lives with or share their love openly with the child. So they must find ways to hold on to the memories. Many bereaved parents come to learn that "memories are the precious gifts of the heart…[that they need] these memories and whispers, to help create a sense of inner peace, a closeness" (Wisconsin Perspectives Newsletter, Spring 1989, 1).

Parental grief is boundless. It touches every aspect of [a] parent’s being…When a baby dies, parents grieve for the rest of their lives. Their grief becomes part of them…As time passes, parents come to appreciate that grief is [their] link to the child, [their] grief keeps [them] connected to the child. – ARNOLD AND GEMMA, IN CORR ET AL. 1996, 50-51

Sociologists and psychologists describe parental grief as complex and multilayered and agree that the death of a child is an incredibly traumatic event leaving parents with overwhelming emotional needs. They also agree that this grief must be acknowledged and felt in its intensity. These experts repeatedly state that dealing with parental grief involves deep pain and ongoing work as the parents attempt to continue their "journey down the lonely road of grief" (Wisconsin Perspectives Newsletter, February 1997, 1).

Grieving parents say that their grief is a lifelong process, a long and painful process…"a process in which [they] try to take and keep some meaning from the loss and life without the [child]" (Arnold and Gemma 1983, 57). After a child’s death, parents embark on a long, sad journey that can be very frightening and extremely lonely- a journey that never really ends. The hope and desire that healing will come eventually is an intense and persistent one for grieving parents.

The child who died is considered a gift to the parents and family, and they are forced to give up that gift. Yet, as parents, they also strive to let their child’s life, no matter how short, be seen as a gift to others. These parents seek to find ways to continue to love, honor, and value the lives of their children and continue to make the child’s presence known and felt in the lives of family and friends. Bereaved parents often try to live their lives more fully and generously because of this painful experience.

To those outside the family, the composition of the family

may seem to change when a child dies. A sibling may become an only child; a younger child may become the oldest or the only child; the middle child may no longer have that title; or the parents may never be able to, or perhaps may choose not to, have another child. Nonetheless, the birth order of the child who died is fixed permanently in the minds and hearts of the parents. Nothing can change the fact that this child is considered a part of the family forever, and the void in the family constellation created by the child’s death also remains forever.

In a newsletter for bereaved parents, one mother wrote, "It feels like a branch from our family tree has been torn off." Another grieving mother continues, "I felt that way too. A small branch, one whose presence completed us, had been ripped from our family and left a large wound. Without it, we were lopsided and off balance. When subsequent children are born, [they] do not replace the fallen branch, but create a new limb all their own" (Wisconsin Perspectives Newsletter, December 1996, 1).

Common And Individual Characteristics Of Parental Grief

Death is an experience that is common to all mankind, an experience that touches all members of the human family. Death transcends all cultures and beliefs; there is both commonality and individuality in the grief experience. When a loved one dies, each person reacts differently. A child’s death, however, is such a wrenching event that all affected by it express sadness and dismay and are painfully shaken. Such a devastating loss exacts an emotional as well as a physical toll on the parents and family.

Bereavement specialists point to the commonalities of parental grief that may include an overwhelming sense of its magnitude, a sense that the pain will last forever, a sense that the grief is etched into one’s very being. They explain that it is also important for these parents to express their anger outwardly so that it will not turn inward and possibly become a destructive force in the future. These specialists say that although there are many commonalities in parental grief, individual reactions often vary and that the same person may even experience contradictory reactions. They also say that the two responses experienced most commonly by bereaved parents are a baffling sense of disorientation and a deep conviction that they must never let go of the grief.

But there are also many unique ways that bereaved parents express their grief. These individual parental responses are influenced by many factors including the person’s life experiences, coping skills, personality, age, gender, family and cultural background, support and/or belief systems, and even the death or the type of death that occurred.

Parental grief is boundless. It touches every aspect of the parent’s being…The range of expression of parental grief is wide…Some parents will express tears and hysteria openly. Others will silence these expressions and grieve inwardly…Despite the volumes of work on grief, the experience of grief seems to defy description… Definitions touch the fringes of grief but do not embrace its totality or reach its core…Grief is a complicated, evolving human process. Grief is a binding experience; its universality binds sufferers together. More is shared than is different. – ARNOLD AND GEMMA, IN CORR ET AL. 1991, 50-52, 55

As part of the grieving process, bereaved parents experience ups and downs and a literal roller coaster of emotions. For these parents, a personal history includes a past with the child and a present and future without the child. For most grieving parents, it is vitally important to verbalize the pain, to talk about what happened, to ask questions, and puzzle aloud, sometimes over and over.

It is the nature of grief that feelings, thoughts, and emotions need to be processed and that those in grief must look into their hearts and souls and try to heal from within. Each does this in his/her own way. "Grieving parents are survivors" (Rando 1986, 176), and each survivor travels this lonely and painful road in a way each maps out. In traveling this road, parents often respond differently, learn to live with their grief separately, and express their sadness uniquely. Grieving parents can and often do feel alone, disconnected, and alienated. They need to know that there are many ways to grieve; there is no timetable for grief’s duration; there are no rules, boundaries, or protocols for grieving.

Moreover, those who seek to comfort grieving parents need to recognize and understand the complexities of the parents’ emotions and should avoid relying on preconceived ideas

about the way a couple is supposed to grieve if their child dies. Reactions of grieving parents may seem overly intense, self-absorbing, contradictory, or even puzzling. For bereaved parents, the death of a child is such an overwhelming event that their responses may often be baffling not only to others but to themselves as well.

The sorrow for the dead is the only sorrow from which we refuse to be divorced. Every other wound we seek to heal, every other affliction to forget; but this wound we consider it a duty to keep open; this affliction we cherish and brood over in solitude. – WASHINGTON IRVING, THE SKETCH BOOK , IN MOFFAT 1992, 270

The Impact Of Grief In Special Parenting Situations

The tragedy of a child’s death brings profound pain to all affected, and it presents incredibly difficult and unusual problems for grieving parents. For some parents, the effects of such a complicated and devastating tragedy can be further compounded when the death occurs in what are already trying family situations. There are some parents for whom there is no established "circle of concern"; there are some parents for whom there is no safety net; there are some parenting situations that are outside the domain of the typical support network; and there are some parents who choose to reject this network for their own reasons.

A child’s death may present unique dilemmas for:

Single parents who are often self-supporting and may be more isolated and ignored
Unmarried parents who may already have experienced the disfavor of family and others
Teenage parents whose grief is often not validated because of their situation or their youth
Parents in stressful financial situations whose struggle to satisfy their most basic needs may cause them to stifle or ignore their need to grieve and for whom loss is a constantly repeated theme
Divorced parents and parents in blended or nontraditional families who may require unique responses or resources
Step-parents whose grief may not be understood or appreciated
Adoptive parents who may be expected to grieve less than birth parents because their "bond" with the child is perceived to be less intense n Foster parents who are not thought to have the same "right" to grieve as birth parents
Parents who experience the death of the only child they may ever have and who also grieve for the loss of their parenting role
Parents losing a child who is one in a multiple birth and who are faced with the double task of saying "goodbye to the baby who has died and yet…still loving and caring for the baby who is living" (Hosford 1994, 1)
Parents who are removed or estranged from typical and traditional support systems
Parents whose language, cultural traditions, and/or beliefs are largely unrecognized or misunderstood by the society
Parents in homeless shelters, prisons, jails, or other institutions whose needs require unique consideration and creative responses
Parents w

ith substance abuse problems whose child may have faced medical and/or developmental problems and who often must deal with guilt and other complex and overwhelming problems when a child dies.

When a child dies, inevitably there will be additional factors that will impinge on the parent’s grief experience. Some of these will be negative… [and] sometimes, these factors will be positive. – RANDO 1986, 31

All of the grieving parents identified above as well as parents in many other situations may find their grief unusually complicated. They may discover the responses of others to be less concerned and may find support networks less readily available. These parents may not receive the same validation as parents in traditional nuclear families, and the needs and wishes of parents in these unique and complex situations may sometimes be ignored or misunderstood. Parental experiences, coping strategies, and cultural differences vary widely. At the same time, these parents may not have the same access to, need for, or reliance on peer or other support groups. Obtaining transportation or babysitters so they can attend meetings may be an impossibility for some parents. Still others may reject such support networks and depend solely on family, neighborhood, or church networks as the best support system for them. Parental bereavement support groups are not for everyone.

All of the parents exemplified here find themselves in special situations affecting their personal grief experience, how others react to their grief, and the type of support and/or intervention needed to help them resolve their grief. However, these parents are the fathers and mothers of the child who died; they are the ones who have nurtured, cared for, and loved that child. The sense of absolute emptiness, the lack of wholeness, and the feeling of diminishment after the death of a child are felt by all parents, regardless of marital status; age; language; financial or social circumstances; biological relation to the child; or cultural, racial, or religious background. Despite the differences among these groups in their responses and needs, all have one major need in common-their grief is intense and must be acknowledged.

There is no relationship like that of parent and child. It is unique and special…The bond between parent and child is so powerful that its strength endures time, distance, and strife. No loss is as significant as the loss of a child…On the death of a child, a parent feels less than whole. – ARNOLD AND GEMMA 1994, 25-27

Parental grief is overwhelming; there is nothing that can prepare a parent for its enormity or devastation; parental grief never ends but only changes in intensity and manner of expression; parental grief affects the head, the heart, and the spirit.
For parents, the death of a child means coming to terms with untold emptiness and deep emotional hurt. Immediately after the death, some parents may even find it impossible to express grief at all as many experience a period of shock and numbness.
All newly bereaved parents must find ways to get through, not over, their grief-to go on with their lives. Each is forced to continue life’s journey in an individual manner.
Parental bereavement often brings with it a sense of despair, a sense that life is not worth living, a sense of disarray and of utter and complete confusion. At times, the parent’s pain may seem so severe and his/her energy and desire to live so lacking that there is uncertainty about survival. Some bereaved parents feel that it is not right for them to live when their child has died. Others feel that they have failed at parenting and somehow they should have found a way to keep the child from dying.
Grieving parents often have to adopt what one parent called a "new world view" (Wisconsin Perspectives Newsletter, December 1996, 7). Each parent must almost become a new and different person.
Grieving parents should learn to be compassionate, gentle, and patient with themselves and each other. Grief is an emotionally devastating experience; grief is work and demands much patience, understan