frequent screaming, jerking
Dear Mister you should have been a Lawyer (Diary):
As per the case of Daley versus Society we have Affidavit D/019621501 being submitted to you for your approval.
So I’m going to make my case for why I don’t have post traumatic stress disorder triggered by either going back to Canterbury or from Dan’s unexpected suicide. I agree I am depressed, have weight and sleep issues as well as some anger management issue however. in my heart of hearts I feel, they’re being instigated by my lack os sexual activity.
Sure, it sounds like a dead kid would be good enough but it’s actually easier to talk to anyone and everyone about Dylan’s death rather than discussing my sex life. I have no interest in discussing how I survived a 16 year marriage to a narcissist marked by sexual starvation and sexual extortion as a means of keeping me stashed away all for himself to have jumped into bed with someone who has a sexual aversion disorder and won’t touch my pussy. C’mon, how badly do I come off in that story. Pretty bad like maybe I should be practising abstinence after all.
There was a study published in 1997 in the British Medical Journal that found that "men who reported the highest frequency of orgasm enjoyed a death rate half that of the laggards"; that is to say, those that engaged in sex more frequently enjoyed longer lives. The report also cited other studies to show that having sex even a few times a week may be associated with: improved sense of smell; reduced risk of heart disease; weight loss and overall fitness; reduced depression (in women); the relief or lessening of pain; less frequent colds and flu; better bladder control; better teeth; and improved prostate function.
So, it has been shown there are no ill effects to be associated with frequent sexual activity, and indeed many studies have demonstrated that it facilitates substantial health benefits. One study suggests that frequent ejaculation may lead to a lower risk of prostate cancer. There have been numerous studies indicating that excessive repression of the sexual instinct leads to an increase in the overall level of aggression, especially so in women more so than men. Women get bitchier and bitcher from repressed sexual appetite. We’ll call this something like point A, but mostly because it’s kind of vague but includes pertinent information.
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Now, I believe going back to Cantrbury didn’t help because it holds so many moments of promise between Jordan and I that just didn’t come to fruititon. We met at Canterbury, it’s where he first fell in love with me. It’s where he danced around me in a kilt and I thought I would die right there, on the spot from the sheer immensity of my overwhelming desire. It’s where we became grafted onto each other, it’s where he pursued me. It holds many moments. The promises kind of fell through though. I ddidnn’t exactly see it earlier because Dan was aroun annd always picking up Jordan’s slack and in more ways than just orgasms.
I believe that Dan had a lot to do with it. When Jordan and I first started sleeping together I was still engaging in sexual activity with Dan. I was sleeping with Jordan at night and engaging in heavy petting with Jordan and I was not sleeping with Dan but I was letting him get me off. When Jordan asked me to stop sleeping with Dan it was after Dylan had died. At least a year after Dylan died because the first 6 months after Dylan died I let Dan bring me to orgasm every single solitary afternnoon. At least 5 times a week I came to a screaming, jerking, ejaculating orgasm. And then it was gone. The weight started coming back on. It was in the fall after I stoppedd sleeping with the brother from another mother…. which was the summer of 2006.
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There is also research that suggests that orgasms can increase the amounts of serotonin in your body, which would lead to a feeling of euphoria or total happiness. Less sex can lead to less happiness. It is important that sex makes you happy; however, you do not want to be dependent on sex as the only thing that makes you feel good. That was the mistake I made with Dan. Even once I had stopped the activity with Dan I always had him as my back up plan. If I couldn’t stand the lack of sex I could always go back to Dan and get some more. Then he got a girlfriend and the option was gone. Then he hung himself and Dan was gone forever. With him he took what little hope I had for a a screaming, jerking, ejaculating orgasm left. All hope is now gone.
I’m even going to suppose further that the depression caused by lack of intimacy, sex, and love, could be misconstrued as due to lack of good looks? I mean, deep down inside, don’t most people want to feel sexually attractive? The sleeping problems started to get worse. The apathy came annd the anger came and it all just made me sad. I felt ugly and not right in my skin. the weight gain just made it worse and worse. They say if you work hard enough and believe in yourself you can attain anything you want in this world. But a true reality check shows that it is so unlikely, and so due to random chance, that you really can’t feel all that sexy if some other living soul doesn’t, at least, reflect the opinion you hold about all that hard work and all that believing?
Also, since Dan got a girlfriend and I’ve worked at Canterbury I was spending a large amount of time alone. This had a tendency to exacerbate he feeling of not fitting in by looking good, or normal. I have watched many good looking males and females over time. Even though some may not be -happy-, they are at least whole in the knowledge that they will have partners soon. This thereby decreases their ability to become depressed. Good looking people don’t spend large amounts of time alone, they just don’t. If nobody finds me hot then I don’t feel good looking then I don’t act good looking and then, because everything is subjective, I’m not good looking or sexy or anything at all.
Sex, intimacy, and love are the most fundamental emotions to our being. Any small change in any of these emotions due to wanting, or needing can set off a chain of reactions in other modes of being. There was this one time several years ago I swore off sex completely. I mean no sexual activity what so ever. If I even thought about sex I quickly changed my thoughts. I did this for 1 year and 3 months. At the end of my abstinence I was so depressed that I had to go on anti-depressants.
During those 16 years of sexual starvation and extortion I suffered severe depression off and on, mostly on. Since then, the only time I wasn’t depressed was when I resumed my normal sexual activity. The only time I’m not yelling is when I’m getting laid and feeling good about myself. The only times I’ve been at a normal weight for my height is when I’m getting laid. Normal is subjective too, I know, but c’mon!
I never thought that my depression could be related to lack of sex until last year when I was thinking about what my life was like when I got depressed. I’m not saying there is a direct connection between sex and depression but the timing does make me wonder.
I’ve been prescribed various different kinds of pills for this depresseion. The only ones I had any luck with were prescription tryptophan. Now tryptophan increases your serotonin levels. Sex releases endorphins and serotonin. These are "feel good" chemicals that occur naturally in the body when you’re with a loved one, eating chocolate, nursing a child or making love! Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs considers sex a basic physiological need.
"[I]t is clear that there is an important internal physiological relation between the secretions of the sex glands and the central nervous system, that the loss of these secretions, voluntarily or involuntarily, exercises a detrimental effect on the nutrition and vitality of the nerves and brain, while, on the other hand, the conservation of these secretio
ns has a vitalizing effect on the nervous system, a regenerating effect on the endocrine glands[,] and a rejuvenating effect on the organism as a whole."
In summation I say I have gained weight and got myself depressed, have weight and sleep issues as well as some anger management issue however the’re being instigated by my lack of sexual activity. I am not releasing the needed amount of enndorphins, serotonin, sexal secretions to be happy and healthy and feeling vitall and optimistic. I’m not feeling good looking or sexy or anything at all. What little hope I had for a a screaming, jerking, ejaculating orgasm left the building. Jordan’s suffering from sexual aversion disorder and can’’t accommodate me or meet my emotional or physiological needs what so ever. All hope is now gone.
I don’t need a therapist or anti-depressants or need to learn how to meditate. I need a consistent and fairly active sex life that is marked by frequent screaming, jerking, ejaculating orgasms is all.
Signed,
One Civil Servant
a La Beetlejuice