Lets Try This Again…

So I have not been on OD in a hot minute (yes I know that they closed for a bit lets just skim over that). I thought as I got older that my depression would get better and easier to manage as well as the fact that I am still seeking everyone’s approval. I was wrong. From the jump life has been a test… always pushing me just a bit more to see my breaking point… when I break, then it eases up for a bit then its back at the tests. Like life is out to remind me that I am not as strong as I believe I am and then here I sit wondering why I am even trying in the first place. I feel as if it is time to just accept that life is meant to be lonely for me and that I need to start pushing everyone away because if I hurt myself then they cannot hurt me. This has been a long time coming since it seems to be that I cannot keep friends to save my life. I either find those that have a personal need they need filled, those that have a more devious plan in mind, or those that will use you and then throw you to the curb without a second thought. When I do find good people to be friends with… well something always happens.

AA was my best friend since the 8th grade and we did EVERYTHING together. She introduced me to YouTube and everything. Well I messed that up but fucking up her nursing school graduation party having morning sickness since I was pregnant… It was my fault and I am sorry for that everyday.

LC was my best friend since 9th grade and well as we grew up our life styles clashed and we just parted ways.

BC is my best friend. we only talk maybe 10 times a year but she is the only consistent that I have had and she is why I have hope that there are people out there that want to be friends with me and like me.

JV is my best friend that I met at work and we defy the odds of still talking after I left the job we were both at… that and I’m in FL and shes in CA lmao.

CO was my best friend… and sadly the reason why I am afraid of making friends… She and I had a weird relationship where we were friends, then we hated each other, then became inseparable. We talked all day every day and she loved my son like an aunt! she was there for me when my mother died (as were the others). But when she passed of Breast Cancer I crumbled. I came to the realization that this is my life… I am meant to be alone.

However being alone does not work well with my mental state and soon I was looking for ways to be social but at a distance to make sure that I was safe. I moved to streaming. It was tough at first, but as I started to come out of my shell and talk more I started to meet some really cool people. For the first time I felt like I might be able to let my guard down. Then I saw the back stabbing and the side picking and it really scared me back into my head. Watching people that would call each other close friends throw them under the bus or stab their back was beyond me! Seeing the manipulation that would happen from the people that would give money to the streamers was so bizarre.

Within the mix of this I have met some really good people… but now I feel I do not deserve them because, here I sit, an non trusting emotional mess. I have tried to take my life 3 times in the past month, I have literally had the worst year I could think of between family and life (besides the whole COVID-19 thing) and these people still talk to me, want to play games with me, accept me, and I can’t even give them the decency to believe that they like me enough to hang out with me. Maybe, just maybe, I am meant to be alone… IDK. But I know that I really do enjoy having these people in my life but I know I will fuck it up at some point.

Ally