Shaken

never thought it would happen never thought i would find another girl so attractive as to be physically affected by it whe wasn’t gorgeous she wasn’t statuesque she was just lovely in that "girl next door" sort of way just small and firm and delicate and i never thought it would happen to me i’ve never looked down on anyone attracted to the same sex ans their own, but i’m so in love with the man i have that i never in a million fantasies thought i would think a girl/woman so lovely that i wanted to … touch her … let her touch me .. I DON’T KNOW! 

i want to go back to Eros so badly i can taste it i want to go in something beautiful and sheer and dark and have my lover beside me, always touching me just a bit to remind everyone that i’m his and no one will even be granted a brush of skin withouth his approval – and then grant that privalidge to some calm, quiet beauty or stolid, sturdy, dark man – just a taste, a little torment so that they walk away still craving something more …

i am having an identity crisis – not because i’m disgusted but because i’m so suprised at myself and confused by the fact that i was so wrong – by discovering the arrogant presumption that i knew my own mind so perfectly … this is Life’s way knocking down a door to remind that i have SO much LESS control over … everything … than i had managed to convince myself that i have and i am not taking the realization well …

perhaps if i can squeeze past the terror of opening my deepest feelings in my counceling session, T will help me decypher the 5,000-piece puzzle my self-image has become