I Got the Blues

this morning i started thinking about the butterfly tattoo i want to get in an undisclosed location but can’t until after i’m done having kids, and i ended up almost in tears because i started imagining the possible future that J and i are unable to have children of our own because there’s a chance there might be some problems on his end – not with wanting them, but making them, comprende?  one minute i’m thinking about a tattoo, the next i’m seeing myself on a bed, sobbing as i reflect on the months J and i have spent trying to conceive without success.  J sitting at my side trying to comfort me as i apologize over and over, insisting that it’s somehow my fault (which is what i do when i get very depressed and things aren’t going the way they should).

i did finally break down, too.  i was talking to J and just started crying for no other reason than that i felt so miserable i just wanted to be home under a rock.

you know, the sick thing is, there is a perverse romance to feeling like this.  i’m not saying that being on meds takes away  your emotions – but they can’t GIVE emotions, either.  the medication can keep you from feeling the incredible LOWNESS depression can bring (if you’re taking them properly, anyway … ahem ahem …), but they can’t make you suddenly have intensely positive feelings.  so one kind of exists in a realm of mediocre emotion, feeling a little sad, a little happy … no intensity.  so even the depths of gloominess i have fallen into are at the same time just the tiniest bit refreshing – to know that such powerful feelings do still exist for me.  such cold comfort, though …

things should not have gotten this bad.  i need to do something to get myself back in the swing of taking all my meds, every morning and every night, no matter what.