Ees beeen soooooooo long …

pardon my slight freakishness; it amuses me enough to keep me from running away, screaming.

yesterday was murder (in particular), but these last few weeks in general have been a rediculous struggle to not fall asleep at work; make myself send out more resumes (i did have one good day – tuesday i had an interview at a place that could be classified as a geek’s paradise.  i think it went well … *crosses fingers*  oh – and we asked Ricky if he wanted to be one of Jon’s groomsmen – he looked really happy to be asked, which is impressive in itself 🙂 )

but yesterday …
Jon came with my to my appointment with Tracy.  the only reason i asked him to come was that Tracy suggested it.  but by the time we found a day he could get out of work long enough to come with, things have gotten … well, a little better, anyway.  but i’m still so horribly, horribly retentive about talking about sex.  at all.  i don’t have a problem with sex, in fact i think i like it too much; and i don’t mind at all listening to other people talk about or refer to sex (i also don’t have a problem when it comes to informing someone they’ve entered into the rehlm of "WTMI Radio!!! Home of WAY Too Much Information!!!") but saying anything myself – even to Jon – or when he thinks it’s a good idea to tell other people about some of what we do behind closed doors, everything inside me contracts.  i feel like crawling into the furniture. 

that’s exactly how i felt yesterday: a trapped animal squirming in a corner and waiting for whatever’s waiting in the shadows to pounce and devour me.  and even though i wanted to say something about when Jon "coaxes" me when i’m having a hard time asking for what i want, it just makes me feel even more wretched, i couldn’t do it.  i didn’t want him to feel like i wanted him to come to the session just so i could accuse him of things; but the truth is, i missed my chance to tell him about something he does that makes me uncomfortable and not have him tell me how he only does it to help me and he’s sorry it makes me uncomfortable but he just wants me to be able to say what i want and … yadda yadda … and completely forgetting that i just told him that what he’s doing doesn’t help.  if i had told him with Tracy there, she would have stopped him the moment he started saying something about it being okay for him to do it anyway.

so there i sat, my throat constricting like a boa for an hour while Tracy and Jon did most of the talking because i couldn’t say a bloody fucking thing.

i’m so tired today; my soul hurts.

how can i expect him to change if i can’t even tell him what’s wrong?!