Burning the Midnight Oil

today i am blue …

i’ve been so horribly tired … same old story – we can’t say NO.  friends we haven’t seen in ages pick the worst time to call and say "let’s do something – tomorrow!" and how can we say no when it’s been weeks and weeks since we’ve seen them?  then there’s the 2 pairs of pants our one friend asked me to alter before her trip to Italy at the end of the month, which i reluctantly agreed to do, and when we went to leave, there were the two pairs of dress pants and a BAG FULL of jeans as well. 
I’m just going to hope i can dig up the courage to tell her "look – i’ll do the dress pants for your trip, but i’ve got four bride’s maids’ dresses and a wedding dress to sew in less than five months – i can’t do these jeans."

heh – right.  me telling someone "no".  fat chance.

since friday almost two weeks ago, i have been smothering myself with a voluminous blanket of guilt; i am convinced that either everything that hasn’t gone the way it should these last several days is either my fault, or i must claim it as my fault to avoid someone else feeling bad.  it makes no sense – i know this even as i say "i’m sorry" again and again; i’m having a relapse and i know it’s my fault because i haven’t been taking my lamictal for the past week or so … which just makes me feel worse because i know it’s sheer stupidity and nothing else.