Another Day

I’ve been feeling pretty depressed lately. It’s been almost 5 months since I got laid off and I’m still unemployed. I’ve sent in over 50 applications for jobs and I’ve had only 7 companies contact me. Out of the 7, 4 have turned me down after interviews. I’m waiting to get an interview from one, and waiting to hear back after interviews from 2.

This is just a blow to my self esteem. On the surface, I was laid off due to the fact that I was making more money than the other assistant manager and the company was cutting corners. But I have to ask myself, if I was better at my job, would I have been laid off? Would they have kept me and let Deb go even though I was making more? I don’t know. I like to think that I was good at what I did but what if I’ve been deceiving myself all this time? And is that why I haven’t been contacted by more companies? Do they call my previous employer and get told that I’m not worth hiring?

I think about these things a lot. I try to tell myself that it’s not the case, that there are just better candidates for the open positions out there than me. But then I see how many places that I’ve applied to are still looking to fill their positions. What was wrong with my resume? I’ve got a ton of retail experience. Sure it’s all with one company but doesn’t that show that I’m in it for the long haul?

Money it getting tight now. Our savings are almost depleted. We just had to spend a thousand dollars on our dog because she has dental problems. I’m not complaining, she’s a good dog and worth it but it’s an unexpected expense. I was on my way to a job interview yesterday when my car started vibrating really badly on the turnpike. I had to pull off and check it out. I didn’t see any problems with the tires so it must be in the engine. I called and asked to have the interview rescheduled because the last thing I want to do if have the car break down because I ignored the issue. So if I have to have repairs done, there’s another unexpected expense.

All I’m doing on here lately is mental diarrhea. I have all these thoughts in my head and they need to come out. When I try to express them to my wife, I have troubles doing so in a way that isn’t accusatory for asking for pity. I usually end up starting a fight. That’s the last thing I want to do. I love to annoy my wife with little things but it breaks my heart to end up yelling at each other.

I want to provide a good life for my family. I don’t want them to need anything. I want us to live in a house where we’re not cramped and in each others way all the time. I want us to drive cars that don’t have problems. I want my daughter to look back on her childhood with fond memories not bitterness. I want my wife to smile more and to not stress so much. She has a beautiful smile.

I want to work again.