Wow..

Everytime I sit and start to write on here… I stop. Everytime I start to talk about things, I stop… I always stop. Im so afraid. Afraid to say how I really feel…. Really…

And I need to let some things out. Please bear with me… no one understands me, or what I am dealing with and half of the time… I dont even know what the hell is wrong with me.

Coming to the USA was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. And in some ways, the worst. I love the fact that I can have a good and stable job and provide for Holly and all that. And on the other hand…. Im so alone.

I met Brian in Boston in 2003. 4 years ago, and my life changed. Boston on a whole, changed my life. I was young, free and much happier and grounded than I was in Ireland. I also was learning very fast to cope on my own financially… mentally… I was always pretty much alone.
Brian came into my life when I was especially vunerable. I was very lonely. I was working hard and had some medical problems and wanted some kind of ‘something’ and although I would never had said it at the time, I did not want to get all ‘attached’ to Cliona again because I knew she would be leaving again and also, she was on her own path… I didnt want to get in the way. But, anyway…

Cliona left. And I was alone again. I threw myself into Brian. Brians wants, needs, desires… everything. I ignored ALL of the signs. The weekends away, the secretivness, the pictures of the ex, the not bothering to come to the hospital when I needed him, the emails and IM’s to his ex’s…. so on and so forth… you get the picture.
Then we got married, then I got pregnant. Then we moved to Ireland.

Ireland… Ireland… Ireland… God… Wow…. how content was I….
And looking back, I hate looking back.
We had no money. Litreally. We could not get decent paying jobs. We had to take out a personal loan in order to keep up with the bills, BUT, you know what? My mam was there, my sisters, my friends…
I used to take Holly out EVERY night and walk around the neighbourhood. My friends and family would come over and watch tv and drink tea and we would joke and laugh and have a great time. I would go on girls nights out and stumble home, or sit in their house crying about how much we love each other, I was loosing the weight… I was doing so good… and then this happened.

Money and Brian. Brian missed his mother and his family and his friends… never mind the pressure we were getting from the in laws, and the bills that he never paid and no jobs… it all got too much.

I had a desicion to make. We had to go to the USA in order to make money…and thats what we did. and thats where I am right now.

Its been a year and a half, and I am dying inside. Im sorry, I have to say this. I feel lost, scared, lonely. I have nothing here. Im buying a house and I feel it may be the biggest mistake of my life. But, I have to do it because I cant go abckwards. There is nothing for me in Ireland.

I keep saying that to myself… there is nothing for me in Ireland and I know I am lying. My family, my friends, the place where I learned to ride a bike, scraped my knee, fed the swans, had my first kiss, lost my virginity, cried, laughed… my heart and my soul.

I dont even have an accent anymore. People over here dont understand me. Im too liberal for them. Brian keeps telling me that we will go back ‘someday’, but like everything else, he doesnt know when and he doesnt know how…

we hardly ever have sex, my weight is through the roof and I really just want to go home.

I want to go home and go to school. I want to raise Holly in my country.

God… im depressed. And I cant tell anyone.

im sorry.