Breakthrough… then breakdown…

I am so tired, but I have to write about the events of this day while they are still somewhat fresh in my mind.

More and more I have slowly grown to half accept that I have to move on and try to get my life back. More and more it has become much easier to see beyond the pain I would feel if I didn’t have him and every day that future doesn’t look as scary as it did. This, due to the fact that we have both resorted to not talking about anything / not having sex / co-existing… and so on…. it just didn’t help.

This morning I mustered up the courage to finally reach out. To open my mouth and be honest about all that is my life over here. No one in my family knows the struggles that Brian and I have encountered, and this call was very hard. I called Karen, mostly because I know how she has fought to keep her marriage together for so long. I wanted the opinion of someone who may have felt what I feel.

After a long and well needed talk, she simply told me that at 26 years old, and almost 300lbs, and after 4 years of trying to make this work, she thought I should think about getting my life back before I get too old.

We went over the ‘what ifs?’ and the ‘how’s?’ and there were no answers. There wont be until the time comes.

After this, Brian surprisingly appeared home at 10.30am, stating that he was feeling ill and wanted to lie down.

After I went to Walmart for some things, we were in the Bedroom talking. We talked about everything and I told him of my desire to try and get my life back.

After a lot of crying and talking from both of us, he left the room. When he came back, he sat down and said ‘ the thought of not having you and Holly is terrifying to me… but, I think we do need to separate for a while. Our relationship… well, what relationship?"

More crying started and we talked about how it was going to be as positive of a change as possible and hopefully at the end of this we would realise were we want to be.

And more crying….

 

I went to look for something in my bottom drawer in my room, and I thought that Brian was going to the shop, but all of a sudden, I hear him come crashing in with Donna, my mother in law in tow. I thought that if I just stayed quiet, she would go away, but no… in she comes shouting for me… now, she was in the bedroom.

I looked up over the bed and she just starts talking. And talking. I am not saying much. Brian is just standing there.

She starts telling me how she is going to transfer money to our bank account to bring our car note current until I get a job. She starts telling me that I have to make a grocery list so she can go shopping for us for food.

I tell her no, and I shake my head. She starts getting louder and saying "Rachel, this is what families do for one another. We help each other… we love each other". I felt like such a hypocrite to just sit there and pretend that we were all one big happy family, and I was emotional and I also was mad at her for just barrelling in the house like she owned it.

I blurted out "Brian this is wrong, tell her. I cant do this. TELL HER". I became hysterical. We told her that we were separating and I was leaving. She stood there. And then she said "….ok…"

She walked in at the right time for this bomb to drop. Or the wrong time.

She sits there and says something about not wanting a telephone relationship with Holly and also at one stage, I THINK, I heard her make a comment about Holly not going anywhere.

Brian was crying, I was crying. We were explaining that we have tried everything to make this work, and its now at breaking point and we need a break. She kept asking how, when, where and so on, and I can understand that, but we had no answers.

In the middle of this, she starts asking me to consider counselling. We explained to her that we have done that. She wants us to do it again. Then we get on to the subject of Brian needing counselling because of his depression, and then, while we are talking about this she starts saying "Ok, that’s what we will do. I will pay for the counselling"

I had nowhere to go. No one to stand up for me, and I knew if I said anything, there was a likelihood of her running to the rest of the family to stop me leaving with Holly OR just hate me. Blame me for this.

I told her that me and Brian need to talk and we need to decide some things and that no matter what the outcome was, Brian and I would ensure that she was a major part of Holly’s life.

So, now she is talking about how TJ fucked up her son, and I agree. He did… but when did this turn into a pity party?

The funny thing is, through all this, she is paying our car note but Betty told me last week that Donna came to her and asked her to pay the note, and she is taking the credit for it. So, I feel bad that here we are thinking of starting anew, when there are so many people trying to help us to just survive right now.

Brian went to the shop with her and came back an hour later. I feel like we had a major breakthrough today and we were FINALLY on the way to working towards some kind of better life for us and for Holly, and then all of a sudden, she has come in and turned it around so he is the victim again, and I am back to where I was.

I know he is her son, I know she is going to take his side. But, I wish that she could put herself in my shoes and ask if she would stay. The answer is no.

The final thing she said to me before she left was "Look into counsellors and we will do the counselling… that way you can’t say you didn’t try?"

 

DIDNT TRY????

 

I am going to stop right here because I will loose my temper.

 

 

God, I wish I knew what to do next.