why me?

my best friend, one i’ve typed many times about, came to visit me while she was home.  she lives in portland, so she made my apt a base of visiting operations and stayed here with me. 

— quick point…  this is one of the people my last entry was about.  i have been madly in love with her the first moment i saw her.  but after some time and a good conversation between the two of us, i have come to the conclusion that she will, and would never like me as anything more than a friend.  and i am completely fine with that seeing as every moment i get to spend with her in any capacity is better than none.  i have not since pushed the issue, and i will continue to not do so —

so, i had originally offered for her to stay in my room and i’d sleep on the couch, but she nixed that idea and said that we’d share (cause she needed a good cuddle). 

okay, thats fine.

the first night nothing happened, and i won’t go into detail, but every night afterwards grew into more and more…  we never actually… and she told me as she left that she had a weird feeling about how the weekend turned out.  however that didn’t stop it from ending with a kiss before she left. 

please don’t think me horrible for saying this, but if what comes of this is what i believe will come of it (which, incidently would be nothing) i don’t know if i would have prefered to stay on the couch.  romantic involvement does not need a relationship, and i understand that… but i’ve sat awake the last two nights and have had only one thing run through my head…

how much i would give up everything in my life to make her happy.  and… ultimately, how i’ll never get that chance.

its like losing maija all over again.

stupid noah…