N.17 early morning musings…

i got up around 5am so i could say goodbye to my dad’s friend who left this morning.

well, that’s sort of a lie.  i actually woke up at 4:30, then lay there for 30mins before going upstairs.  i was thinking about angel.  she’s the best thing to happen to me in a long time.  here i am trying to help her through her problems, and yet when things like last night happen, she’s right there and doesn’t let me fall.

last night was weird.  i haven’t had this happen for several weeks, but i was on the phone with her and we somehow got on the topic of holidays, and christmas being a season and not just a holiday and that people were nicer during that time (holy run-on sentence batman!).  and it was like something went off in my brain, and the walls started closing in on me.  it felt like someone was sitting on my chest and i couldn’t shake this feeling of utter darkness.

but, instead of saying "i’m sorry there’s nothing i can do for you, i’ll let you go." she stayed on the phone with me.  it was silent for sometime, and then she knew just the right thing to say at the right time and soon she had me laughing and the feeling went away.

i guess i should just tell you now, we’ve been dating for almost two weeks now.  its weird, since the first time i met her last january, i never thought in a million years that i’d get to date her.  she’s wicked smart, patient, gorgeous, brave, fun, funny, shy, goofy, interesting, beautiful, and so far out of my league that i was sure she didn’t like me.

actually, when we hung out that day i thought for sure she hated me (and she was positive i hated her… lol).  i basically babbled on like a blithering idiot for the entire day and when i dropped her off at her dad’s house i just knew she never wanted to see me again.  and then an odd thing happened.  even after she went home she still messaged me, and we still talked.

some time went by and she came back again and i missed her (due to other things going on…).  after she left i felt HORRIBLE because she actually wanted to hang out with me and i didn’t try my hardest to see her.  granted i was dating someone at the time, but that didn’t mean i couldn’t have hung out with her and her friend for a bit!  but then she came back a month or so later.  and i did everything in my power to spend as much time with her as i could.  we hung out twice, and from the moment she got in my car the first time i was intoxicated by everything about her.  especially her smell.  the worst part is, right at this moment i can’t remember that smell… but in 11 days, 5 hours, and 22 minutes (and 15 seconds) she’ll be here and that smell will be burned into my olefactory sense.

i don’t know why this is happening to me… and i’m still not a 100% sure i deserve it.  i love her, and i’m not afraid to admit it.  so… i guess i just need to keep my head screwed on right and not mess this up.

– noah