lost

so, here we go again.

its 1:30, and i’m very tired, but i can’t sleep.  i’m starting to get that feeling again.  the depressed, i wanna shoot myself in the head feeling.

however, its different.  it used to be about someone, but now its about no one…  thats why i feel this way.  there’s no one.  i don’t know what to do with myself.  i’ve been trying to shake this feeling for the better part of 3 years. 

i watched Good Will Hunting today.  good movie.  i’d never seen it before. 

during the crying scene (if you’ve seen it, you know what i mean), i randomly said, "i hated that part."  aaron looked at me and asked, "what part?"  and i just pointed at the screen.

i’d never talked about my counseling to him… or anyone for that matter.  oh sure, i’ve mentioned about my counselor, or talked randomly that i was in it.  but never about it.  the rest of the movie was spent in flashbacks… 

it was the worst, and best part of my life.

the hardest part for me to come to grips with is that i was really messed up…  and it wasn’t because of maija.

it was so hard to admit to myself that i was, and had always been that way.  and i’m sorry to say that my doc was the only one that understood.  i don’t know if it was because of personal experience for him, or if it was trained response… something he learned from his years of school?

or was it a street-smarts type of thing?  did he just instinctively know me better than anyone else ever could?

i try so hard to explain to people who have the nerve to ask me.  but it never comes out quite right.  and oddly enough only two people have actually worked hard at understanding me.  and both of them either no longer care, or feel it is not a good time to care.  of which i have no qualms. 

but each time it happens to me, i’ve giving a piece of me, my soul, away… and with every piece of my soul that goes missing, i become less of a person.  not only to me… but to everyone else.

the only thing i feel i have left to give is something i never wanted in the first place. 

here’s what came of the session today.  http://www.soundclick.com 

just type in my name if you’re interested…