home again…

*enters room, fall to floor and starts kissing the carpet* oh beautiful home….

blech… dog hair.

so i am home, and very glad to be.  i loved NYC and all, but being a drifter for 3 weeks is not exactly what i’d call fun.  not to mention something not so fun happened that i haven’t talked about yet.  i don’t particularly want it to be true yet, which is why i’m avoiding it.  that and i’m still on a high from sunday!

last night was the first time i slept really well in a long time.  blah…

so, yeah… still excited, and pumped.  but now i need to refocus and start learning the music/lines for the next show with the YAP.  its alot to learn and i’m a little worried i’m not going to have it learned fully in 3 weeks. 🙁  oh well… we’ll do the best we can.

one downside to the excitement of sunday is that now i’m focusing on that opera, which i don’t really need to be doing as i have 2 other operas before it that need to be learned…  woes is me.  lol

to change subjects for a moment, i’m also reeling from the fact that i have been starving for the last 5 days (no joke).  this stems from a lack of money, and an over developed pride.  i didn’t want to ask anyone for help, so i ended up eating like a homeless person for 5 days.  (good news is, i lost some weight, bad news is as soon as i start eating again i’m going to gain it all back immediately).  i seriously know what it would be like to starve now.  not a pleasant thing.

and, also now that i’m home i have to focus on the money issues.  looks like i might be getting plethora of jobs for the next 3 weeks just so i can pay off my debts from going to the east coast.  the trip was worth it (as evidenced by sunday) however i’m having trouble explaining that to my mother and my financial advisor (my sister).

i am going to talk (briefly) about the other thing.  one of my best friends, kelly, had moved to NYC to attend Columbia for Social Services.  she isn’t liking it very much, and the program is not what she wanted at all.  so she’s probably going to quit and move back to portland.  she’s kind of upset about that.  (quick note: there are several entries on this person as about a year ago we began a new part of our friendship, that of a sexual one.  its a long story, and if you go back far enough you’ll read something i’m sure.  needless to say i care for her much more than she cares for me…)

its odd because during the summer we were talking to each other every night.  i mean, literally every night.  well, she got to NYC and we still talked every few days, until about a week into september.  then i stopped hearing from her all together.  since then i can count on 2 hands how many times i’ve talked to her…

i knew what was going as its happened many times in our friendship.  the end of communications happens when she gets into a relationship.  now, i want her to be happy, and i want nothing but the best for her.  i just want to be clear about that.

i got to VA and was trying to figure out where i would stay the first night when i got into NYC.  i couldn’t get ahold of anyone so i called her.  i left a message on her phone telling her of my predicament (as she had told me to call her if i couldn’t find a place).  she left a message on my phone (due to lack of reception in VA) saying she would stay in ________’s room and i could have her room.

now, i just want to mention that, even though i am jealous of above stated fact, i am not mad about it.  i am mad that she did not tell me about this, and that i had to find out AFTER i got to NYC (even though i already knew it was going on).

i was hurt… very badly.  i felt like she didn’t want to tell me about it because she didn’t want to hurt me.  and i’m sorry, but friends don’t keep things like that from each other, especially when they seem to be as good as it is (yes, the relationship is a very good one for her… and i totally agree).

needless to say we had a long talk and i told her how i felt our relationship has gone since we met.  i had become her non-boyfriend-boyfriend.  when she wasn’t dating anyone i was the center of her attention.  then, when she met someone she kept in contact, but changed her entire stance with me.  if she didn’t know how i felt about her, that would be one thing… however the fact that she knows damn well how i feel makes me hurt even more.

anyway, that 30-45 minute chat we had was the only time i saw her the entire time i was in NYC.  to be honest, i kind of avoided her…

i’m glad she’s happy, and i’m glad she’s found a great guy.  i just kind of wish i didn’t have to be any part of this…

and that is the end of my stupidness.  please understand that i cannot explain this situation fully, and that i’m sure that i’ve painted her out to be much worse than she is…  however my words above are how i truly feel about the situation.  i’d love some feedback.  and please don’t hesitate to call me a jerk, or jealous, or tell me i’m being an idiot about the situation.  i’m blinded by my feelings and need an outside perspective.

anyway… switching back to the elation.  lol

– noah