hmm, i don’t think i properly expressed myself..
i know there was an extensive history between calla and i… and i know a lot of you were there for it.
i also understand your worries and fears. however, there are a lot of things i never told you all. for several reasons. 1) i was ashamed of a lot of them, 2) it is actually a subject matter that i will never discuss here, 3) i know you all think me a saint, but i really am not. the things that happened, as several of you said, were a two-way street. if she is at fault here, then so am i, just as much.
thank you though, for all the notes you sent me. it meant a lot to get your comments on the situation and made me feel good that you all care about me that much that you would voice your concerns. thank you so much.
to answer a few questions. yes, i apologized (i had a lot to apologize for) and she did too. we talked about everything that happened, and told each other our feelings on the matter. we left nothing but a few things out that hopefully we’ll be able to sort through later. we are still very much in contact with each other and right now are trying to be friends and see what happens. i’m trying not to say the wrong things, and i’m sure i won’t be 100% successful at that… but no one is perfect.
today i realized a few things. i can’t be worried. i can’t be afraid. calla told me yesterday, "When you’re afraid of something you don’t give it your all." and she’s right. i don’t. and so i shed off my worry and fear and i let myself feel happy at what has occured so far. i let myself laugh with her. and have goofy texts and remember how good it felt to be that way with her.
i will not fail her again.
– noah
God, I am so glad to read this entry. That last paragraph is what I’ve been trying to tell you for months! *hugs*
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Why are u apologizIng for being forward?? You shouldn’t. I appreciate your insight greatly 🙂
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i just read the last entry and this one. hopefully things will be better between you two 🙂 anyone who is willing to drive all the way to mi from here just to apologize should be given another chance, i think. <33 good luck!
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I’m so happy to hear that you guys talked and are giving the friendship (and ultimately the relationship) another try. I know how much you really love Calla even if you can’t always express it the way you want to. If both of you put forth 100% effort to being understanding and supportive of one another (even in “off” moods) you’ll be set! The only time we have is the now…As Buddha once said “There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills. ” Doubt and fear can be used interchangeably since really doubt stems from fear.
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Hmm… my concern here would be the fact that you said “you are afraid of saying the wrong thing”… I know what you mean cos, absolutely, sometimes we just DO say the wrong thing that we really didn’t mean like that but… I am afraid that you are trying to mold your personality to fit hers… and that is wrong cos it will lead to pain and suffering at the end… believe me… there is not ONE
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person in the world that is worth changing yourself for!!! Not a one! Of course we change certain annoying habits to make the other person more comfortabe (like screwing on the toothpaste cap, putting down the toilette seat etc etc… those type of things) but what i mean is don’t EVER be afraid of showing someone who you are inside and out… they should love the whole package or nothing at all..
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good luck hunny!
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you’re a good man, hon 🙂 I am more than sure you will be happy together, relations need some work that’s for sure. big hugs your way 🙂
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Calla sounds about right. With all the fears in the way, you can’t give it all you got. ryn- thanks for the comforting note <3
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