for hopeful

okay… in taking the suggestion from hopeful, i am going to talk about public washrooms… (so if this bombs, i’m blaming hopeful completely!)

so… public washrooms… 

you know, for a long time i had an aversion to public restrooms… and, germaphobe as i am, i was actually afraid to go in them because i can’t (at least, couldn’t at the time) go pee when someone else was the in bathroom with me.  one of my exs used to torture me and follow me into the bathroom, knowing that as long as she was in there with me, i couldn’t go.  horrible i know, but still funny.

its strange.  i’ve never figured out why, but when someone else was there, even if they were several stalls/urinals away i couldn’t do it!  it was years before this change… and its funny because i know the exact moment it did… (the following story will probably be too much info for most of you, but this is my diary and i’ll write what i want dammit!)

coming back from portland one time i hadn’t gone before i left.  and i didn’t actually have to go until i got about halfway home (3 hr drive).  so, at first i thought, na, i don’t need to worry about it.  kept going…  what i haven’t told you is that by this point i’d drank 2 liters of soda, a 20oz bottle of water, and was on my 3rd liter of something… coke probably.

[diarist note: i do not prefer coke over pepsi… nor vise versa.  i just used the term "coke" because i was refering to the flavor of soda, not the brand name… thank you for your time.]

so, here i am with over 2 1/2 liters of liquid in my… well… i’m not sure where, but it was occupying some cavernous space in my body.  so i’m driving and it gets to the point that every bump i hit in the road (at what is now 80mph cause i need to go badly) i could hear sloshing in my stomach, which of course made me want to laugh, thus making me need to pee even more!

so basically i’m barrelling down the freeway at 80-85mph and i pass a sign for a chevron "Next Exit".  course the next exit was like 200 miles away (or, thats what it felt like) and i come FLYING down the ramp and quickly take a left at the light, only to find that the chevron is on the right!  so, i get over the freeway, flip a 180…

[diarist note: again, i would like to stress that things going on in this story might not be entirely factional… but more what it seemed at the present time in my present state of mind…]

… flip a 180 on the road and book it back the other direction to the chevron only to find out it doesn’t have a restroom…  when thank god i noticed across the street that there was a park and the park had… RESTROOMS!!!

so, instead of getting back in my car, i run across the street (four lanes… not very busy) and do that funny walk/run/dance you do when you have to pee, across the park to the bathroom.  course, because is a sunny beautiful day, the park is FILLED with people.  and of course… getting into the bathroom there are about 4 guys already in there and so, knowing i can’t wait, i just saddle up next to one of them and open my fly and….

it hits me that there are 4 other guys in this bathroom with me, and i start to wonder, how the hell i’m going to relieve myself until they leave?! (because at this point in my life, the only way i could use a public restroom was to wait until everyone left, then go).

and of course, by this point i’m standing there, my back teeth floating, and all of a sudden (insert music: Hallalujah Chorus from Handel’s Messiah) it happens.  so, ever since then, i can use the bathroom with other people in the room.  *whew*

that story was ENTIRELY too long.  i just hope it was entertaining.

anyway… what was i talking about?  oh yeah, public restrooms.  so anyway, i have avoided them mostly because of that.  now, of course, when you’re in a bar, and you have to go… you’re not about to wait till you get home… and bars seems to have the nastiest bathrooms on the planet, (why is that, by the way?  are the staff so busy ignoring people that they don’t have time to clean the bathrooms?  sheesh).

my rule of thumb for bathrooms at bars, never touch the toilet in anyway…  always use your feet.  and STILL wash your hands (nastification by association…)

um… i just realised the time.  i need to go.  i’m pretty sure i’m not going to continue with this entry…  its gone on entirely too long.

did it work hopeful?

– noah