Follow through…

“When you love someone, is that the end-all of love, or can you love indescriminately without them being your soul mate”

i’ve been pondering this question most of the day… (well the parts of the day when my mind wasn’t overly consumed by the though of someone…  grrr… well, not really *smiles*)

however, oddly enough while i was working today (on the most utterly mind-numbing task of crunching numbers… thank god i’m not an accountant) i couldn’t come up with an answer… so i figured i’d come up here and just start rambling.  doubtful that anyone will actually make it far enough to see the end of this entry, but here goes.

lets define a few terms shall we (this way we are all on the same page… and for our immediate purposes, i will use my definitions… got a problem with that? didn’t think so *winks*)

Love – feelings that range from depression and dispair to glee and elation and higher forms of happiness.  Is signified with a rapid heart beat, anxiousness concerning a/the person, butterflies in the stomach.  Often causes tunnel-vision and other single-minded thoughts.  Tends to become overbearing in one’s life and can lead to a failure in everyday life.

Infatuation – The phenomenon when you enjoy a persons company more than most, and everything about them leads you to believe that you like them more than a friend (absent are the heart beat, anxiousness and butterflies.)  Infatuation occurs many times when someone has demonstrated a skill that you do not possess (i.e. ballet, or intelligence).  This infatuation can easily slip away, and just as easily re-appear.

Lust – The overpowering urge to want to go through the actions of procreating with someone.  In other words…  the overpowering urge to want to have sex with someone.  This can be the product of appearance, or any other types of onsets, such as intelligence, humor, wit, and personality (i guess those really only apply to me).

Soul Mate – Thought to be a perfect match, the one true soul that best compliments your own.  Often described as a single heart beating inside two different beings.  It is said that soul mates are attracted to each other, and often stumble across one another purely by chance.  Some grow up knowing each other.  It is a relationship (supposedly) that can last all trials and tribulations and still come out on top.  Two people that provide complete happiness for each other.

Friend Zone – (I hate this term).  The point in which you like someone, but they would prefer to “just be friends”.  Also occurs when you end up liking only friends from lack of fresh faces.

so now that i’ve put those out into words…

loving someone is easy.  many people find it easy to fall in love *raises hand*  dammit…  the simple fact of getting to know someone that is interested in me makes me get all fluttery.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am now VERY good at discerning when i love someone, and when i am infatuated by someone.  for instance.  i fell in love with someone in my dorm over the summer.  the other i think i was overly infatuated with. if either of them read this (unlikely) i’ll let them figure it out.  however, the loved one already knows i believe, which i kind of think thats why i haven’t heard from her in so long.  MOVING ON!

so, if you actually fall in love with someone (granted, infatuation can lead to love), how can it not be your soul mate?  easy.  think of the worst thing that could possible happen to you and your “love”.  now run a simulation in your mind.  if you know them well enough, guess what their actions would be, then play out your own with it.  now actually try it.

a soul mate… you might get 30% of reactions correct.  soul mates surprise each other, are always changing (not only themselves but their relationship with each other).  regular love, or lust or infatuation simply stays the same most of the time.  “he ignores me”, “she can’t be nice” “he/she is irresponsible with my emotions”.  when things get into a rut, something has to change, and anyone that thinks that only one side needs to change is wrong.  a relationship should always be moving, should always be changing.  sometimes good, sometimes bad. 

IMPORTANT STATEMENT: if a relationship is stagnant, or is not moving in any direction or getting better, why stay in it.  two people can love each other IMMENSLY, but that doesn’t mean they were meant for each other.  love does not signify someone being your soul mate.  

this makes it hard to tell.  i had a good relationship.  i swore up and down that we were soul mates.  and for a time we fit the description very well.  but a third party was injected into the mix and that seemed to mess things up.  we quit changing, growing from each other…  needless to say, we were not soul mates apparently.

i have loved 5 people in my love.  honest to goodness love.  i could count them down for you.  (i however, do not believe any of these people to be my soul mate ((anymore)) )

1) Robin – in high school.  from the first day i saw her in the hallway when she first moved there to the last day i ever saw her, i have loved her and i probably always will.  it was a childish, unfettered love, but it was love all the same.  this is the innocent love.
2) Laura – again, from the first day i saw her, i knew it was more.  and subsequently we have become best friends, never to be parted.  however, i do love her very much.  this is the good-natured love.
3) Maija – from the second time i saw her (long story) i was in love.  my heart STILL pounds when i think about her.  she was my first for everything.  and i love her deeper and with more fire than i will ever love anyone ever again.  this is sad to me as i would prefer all my loves to feel this way.  this is the fiery, passionate, infatuated love. 
4) —— – i won’t name her in case she reads.  i don’t want her to get embarassed.  i didn’t know i loved her.  not for the longest time, until suddenly one day it hit me.  and from that day i knew that this person was eternally special to me.  however, we are currently, not friends (which to be honest, pains me as i enjoy her friendship better than just about anyone on this earth and not just because i love her, but because she is that wonderful).  this is the expressionful love.
5) Kelly – This person fits inbetween two of the others, but also stands on its own.  when i first met her, we became best friends quickly.  as a friend she meant so much to me.  i had originally wanted to date her, but quickly found out that it was not reciprocated.  well… somewhere along the line, when she felt she was at the worst of her life, i saw her for who she was, and she was the most extraordinary person i have ever met.  i must admit i love her very much, and it hurts to know that i will not be the one to make her happy the rest of her life.  this is the deep love.

i can honestly say,

of the 5, i think i could only live happily for the rest of my life with 2 of them.  the other three it would never work, and i’ve known that for a long time.  granted, this is just a feeling on my behalf.  i will let you choose which two you believe it is. 

what i’m trying to say is, do not be in a relationship because of love.  i’ve seen too many lives torn apart (including my own) because it was not meant to be.  love is not a good indicator of relationships.  love blinds you from the truth, love blinds you from yourself.

when in a particularly bad spot with Maija (who thought she was about to be kicked out of her house by her mother) i talked to my dad about what i should do.  he said something to me that really stuck.  “When you’re in a relationship, you only see two sides.  You see the perspective of your partner, and your see your own.  Unfortunately, these two perspectives are very incomplete of the whole picture.  It takes an outsider who can measure more (if not all) of the perspectives and show you answers you have never seen or considered before.”  it was with this statement i realised why people talk to me.  cause i see lots of perspectives and i happen to understand more of them (even if i do not agree).

anyway, i’m not sure why i felt the need to write this entry.  maybe it is a warning to myself to never let myself be destroyed again by someone i love.  my heart is closed, and though i will find new people to love…  no one will ever get my entire heart until they have earned it.  *sigh*  unfortunately that might be awhile.

i don’t know why i wrote this, and i haven’t solved anything by writing this, and have probably agrivated a few people.  please accept my apologies.  i knew from the beginning that this was not to fix the problems of relationships and love, or even for me to understand them better.  it was for me to…  find myself.  and unfortunately i have failed as i seem to have fallen even further from this exploration.

adieu… i… *shakes head softly and looks down* i’m sorry for everything

– noah