9/18/05

today is a hard day.

i know tomorrow will be better, and the next far more.

but today is hard.

its my birthday today.  i’m not saying that to get attention, because thats exactly what i HATE about birthdays.  and i absolutely hate opening presents in front of people.  its so embarassing.

but there’s more to it than that today. 

my parents are in hawai’i.  they are going to a good friend’s son’s wedding.  this is also not a big deal as they have not been here for my birthday before, and i am kind of used to it (which i should be seeing as i’ll be travelling in the years to come).  my sister, who is at my parent’s house, will most likely not make the 20 min drive up to hang out (like i offered and then said i would pay her ferry across back to her place).  that kind of makes me sad because this is the first year that she’s been back (and been able to) hang out with me.

this is the first year my grandpa’s not here to call me.  he called me every year for the last 20 or so odd years.  actually he and my grandma would both call and sing me happy birthday, and when she died i still had him.  and now he’s not here to call me, or for me to call and just have weird conversations about tying bow ties and movies and operas.  i realised this morning i hadn’t really cried since he died. 

well i am now.

i don’t like birthdays because the focus of attention is suddenly me.  and as much as i like attention from people… i don’t like it because of birthdays.  what have i done to deserve having a party thrown for me.  when i finished my senior recital, that was reason for a party for me.  or when i graduate in the months to come… that will be reason for a party.  but birthdays seem so benign to me. 

however… today.  today i wish i wasn’t alone.  even if it was just my roommate here i’d be happy… 

anyway… i’m going to go bake my cake and sit by the phone i know isn’t going to ring, as badly as i want it too…

for you:

your hair of white
as pure as snow
and how you always revered the Braves

brave in life and
brave in soul
you rest in peaceful sight

sightly visions, at night
of you, in your chair
watching pbs or moonstruck

i’m sorry we never watched it together
like i said i would

and i’m sorry for breaking most of the promises
made and said and spoke of

but most of all i’m sorry you won’t see the thing
you wanted most,

for me to succeed for once.

and i will…

for you.

– Noah Ramsey