01/10/2010

i actually have quite a bit to write about… but i can’t bring myself to do it.

there are two major things i guess.  one being that i feel like i’m coasting right now.  i’m neither happy or sad…  i don’t really do much other than go to work, come home practice or try and keep my mind occupied with tv or video games.  someone else popped back into my life…  i’m still not sure if its a good or bad thing.  so really i’m just trying to keep my mind from thinking about any of it.

the second being that this opera is proving a lot more difficult on my psyche than i thought it would be.  if anyone here has been reading me long enough, i had issues during two opera previous to this one.  the first was back in 2005 and we were supposed to treat the women on stage very badly.  i had a really hard time with that.  the second was carmen (which i’m preparing to do again in a month) in which i had to act as a crazed jealous guy who ends up killing his love.  both were very difficult because i felt like i was becoming that person and it was hard to separate out who i was, and who the character is.

well, in this opera, The Rape of Lucretia, i am not having to rape someone (thank god)… but i have to witness it.  matter of fact my character even knows its going to happen from the onset of the show.  i know its not real, but its killing me that my character would know and do nothing about it.  now, the problem with this is my character is not part of the story.  i am a "chorus" like the greek chorus in a tragedy.  so i can’t interact with the other people in the story other than to tell the story to the audience.  and yet still i’m having a hard time separating these out. 

there are times when being an emotional person is very difficult when you can’t control how you feel.

in other news…

one of my closest friends has disappeared, and i don’t know if its because of something i said or did, but she hasn’t contacted me since before christmas and i don’t know why.  i’m worried about her.

as for what i was going to say the other day, i’m not sure calla is who i remember her being.  she’s mean, and hurtful on purpose it seems.  we aren’t in contact… but yeah.  when she was feeling like this i bent over backwards to not hurt her anymore than she already was.  and i definitely didn’t throw it in her face that i was happily seeing someone else.

course… that would have required me actually seeing someone.

i just remember her being a better person than that…

– noah