So Glad Its Over!

I am so glad this damn weekend is over.

          Woke up this morning and 259 lbs. I was quite surprised at that. I had fully expected to be a pound heavier …felt like I ate too much yesterday. Im having a hard time keeping my calories up to at least 1300. I feel like its too much if I go over that and Im just not hungry. I could probably just not eat anything. Who would give a shit anyway?

       Got up early again and went to the ballpark and ran/walked for 45 min. I hit the snooze a couple of times and I was draggin but I did it.

   So fecking glad its almost over. John left at 3:30 to go to work …dont have to deal with him till next weekend and the kids will be home so it wont be too bad.  The weekends when they’re with their Dad are the worst. We really have nothing in common any longer. I hate thinking about this . I cannot change anything about my situation and Im stuck here and I hate it. I hate that I hate it. I hate myself, I hate my ugly face & body, I hate crying every day, I hate being old. If I werent such a coward I would seriously consider suicide. The day this life is over will be the happiest day. Why does it have to drag on and on. I know why…its my punishment for the shit I’ve done. It wont be over until I pay and pay and pay. I wish every day wasnt so damn black…if only I could have just one day every once in a while with the sun shinning on my face. I take no pleasure in anything any more…only my own tears.

  I took Noah to the store to get some new shoes for him…hes got big feet so we didnt find anything decent…I hate all those cartoon characture crap tennis shoes. He’s currently wearing red high top Converse which he likes so I’ll probably get another pair in black. I was having him try on jeans and I made the mistake of looking in the fitting room mirror. All I could do is stare. My God…am I really that ugly…I just wanted to get the hell out of the store so no one would look at me. No matter how much weight I lose, Ill still be ugly. Cant give up tho…its my only way out of this rut. Im so tired of being so damn heavy.

   I spent all of Sat & Sun working on my bedroom. I cant believe I had so much junk…I’ve been burning trash all weekend. Still not done yet either.

   Im starting to look forward to writing in this diary each day…I admit it does feel good to get some of this out rather than letting it swell in my head all day. I keep a journal with me all day so I can stop & write as I think of things. God help me if anyone in my family ever finds this thing…they would have me committed. No one has any clue that anything is wrong. Im sure John has a little notion. I dont talk to him much since I found what was going on on the computer. Fucking pig.

  Wish I could go to sleep but its too early.