Day #4d-Winding to a close.
I got a job as a seamstress and got a young collage roommate whos hours allowed her to help me with the kids when they werent with my ex.. We decided to divorce and drew up our own terms. I didnt want an angry drawn out drama and we did it without court.
I met someone else online , in an accidental e-mail and it progressed to the point that we are together now after almost 7 years and one 5year old later. I cannot talk about the problems that he and I have right now I think I will have to get that out tiny bit by tiny bit .I cannot change the situation Im living in right now and he loves his son and his son loves him .I need to do a lot on the next year before Im strong enough to take life on by myself again. I will say that he has let me down numerous times over these last 7 years and I have found out things that do not sit well and I dont know how he can change them to the point where I am willing to stay.
So there the condensed edition of my life .I am going to break it down slowly over the next few weeks so that I can dissect my personal truth If anyone is reading this now you can see why I feel the way I do and why what I am living thru could be seen as my judgement. I deserve every piece of hell I am living thru right now I only hope I can suppress it and concentrate on ME in the coming months even if I have to live the rest of my life alone , with out love to share and shut out the world at least I wont have anyone there to hurt or push away. There is a physical pain in my chest that feels like a huge, heavy rock pressing down on me.
The one thing I do know without a doubt is that I love my kids with all my heart and the only reason I am still here is my reluctance to hurting them any further. John and I work seperate shifts so the only time we have to be together is every other weekend when its just the 2 of us and the little guy. Hopefully I can remain civil and stay busy. Excersizing is quick becoming my refuge as is house cleaning .whod a thunk?
Im very tired and now I am going to bed and snuggle up close to my little guy.