Day #4a…Continued at last

Well….I was born. *shocker* My mother must have been shocked also because 3 days later she left me in a stroller in a ballfield. She did call my father to let him know where I was and for that I am eternally grateful to her. I do not now nor have I ever had any bad feelings toward her….after living with my father for 16 years I can pretty much figure out maybe she was desperate to get away from him…..no one ever talked to me about her and I never asked. I don’t know where I was for the first 2 years of my life and no one but my father knows this either. He married my step mother when I was 2 …I think she was around 18/19…2 step sisters came along 3 & 6 years later and somewhere during this time, my father showed my step mom what he must have shown my biological mother…he started beating the shit out of her. He had an irrational temper and had to be in control of every facet of her life. He would threaten her all the time by telling her he was taking me back to my real mother…I had a little suitcase in my closet that he kept packed just for this performance. He abused all of us…my sisters and I….I’ll never forget what the sound of a fist hitting flesh sounds like. I really hated him and wanted my step mom to leave him. When I was 12, I think he had beaten the soul right out of my step mom till thee was nothing left of her. He then turned to me to satisfy his needs…..I think I have blocked some of these years out…I can specifically remember a handful of detailed incidents…images that will be burned into my mind forever. The most colorful, vivid image is the money he would leave beside my bed as some type apology??? I never knew why. All I know is that I hated him and wanted him to die. I never told this to anyone….my family was so screwed up and my step mom would never have been able to handle this kind of thing. I leaned on my step grandmother……….I loved that woman with all my heart and to this day I miss her dearly. My step mom finally left and re-married a cop who went on to have an affair and made a physical pass at me when I was 17…right after they were married. I think they’re still together…who knows…I haven’t had much to do with my family since my father died about 8 years ago. I moved out at 17 into an apartment with a friend from highschool…she was 18..I went to highschool during the day, worked at McDonalds at night and slept with anyone who would have me on the weekends. I got hooked up with some guy that I thought I loved who used me for what I was worth , I found out one night that he had been spending “time” with an older gentleman in our neighborhood , so that night I took a hand full of black beauties (speed) and was found by the cops wandering down a busy highway. Obviously I lived and went back to live with my step parents. I joined the Navy on a lark one day after the man I almost killed myself for began following me around. Well, I got away from him and my family all in one shot and embarked on a 4 year path to self destruction that still leaves me amazed to be alive or at least out of jail! I was young, single , free and traveling the world. Altho I was one of the wild ones….I have some fond memories of my military service. There was a couple of guys who were very good to me and promised me the world…I didn’t want the nice guys tho and dumped them fast and moved on. I couldn’t have some guy treating me nice could I? I got pregnant at 21…Im surprised it took me that long but I was in no way, shape or form ready or willing to be a mother so I had an abortion….I can still remember riding the bus to the clinic and riding the bus home later that day…alone. It was a very painful experience. There was no comfort or warmth from any of the staff either. I wonder sometimes if it was a girl or a boy and what it would be like now…and then I think , out of all my kids…that one was the lucky one.d to start over and he agreed to let me come back…..I flew all the way to CA and back to Maryland all in 24 hours…..what a waste. I was just so dammed relieved to be back with my kids that I thought I could let my husband control me forever if he wanted. The damage was irreversible at this point tho….he never trusted me again…followed me everywhere and I started to resent the control issues again. I had lost all my excess weight and spent a lot of time at the gym, which became more important to me than my marriage.
Finally, he left and got a small apartment….we were trying what he called a temporary separation. I knew it was over…suddenly I didn’t have to have the house clean to his specifications…the cans facing a certain way…the towels folded perfectly.
I got a job as a seamstress and got a young collage roommate who’s hours allowed her to help me with the kids when they weren’t with my ex.. We decided to divorce and drew up our own terms. I didn’t want an angry drawn out drama and we did it without court.
I met someone else online , in an accidental e-mail and it progressed to the point that we are together now after almost 7 years and one 5year old later. I cannot talk about the problems that he and I have right now …I think I will have to get that out tiny bit by tiny bit….I cannot change the situation Im living in right now and he loves his son and his son loves him….I need to do a lot on the next year before Im strong enough to take life on by myself again. I will say that he has let me down numerous times over these last 7 years and I have found out things that do not sit well and I don’t know how he can change them to the point where I am willing to stay.
So there the condensed edition of my life….I am going to break it down slowly over the next few weeks so that I can dissect my “personal truth” If anyone is reading this…now you can see why I feel the way I do and why what I am living thru could be seen as my judgement. I deserve every piece of hell I am living thru right now…I only hope I can suppress it and concentrate on ME in the coming months…even if I have to live the rest of my life alone , with out love to share and shut out the world…at least I wont have anyone there to hurt or push away. There is a physical pain in my chest that feels like a huge, heavy rock pressing down on me.
The one thing I do know without a doubt is that I love my kids with all my heart and the only reason I am still here is my reluctance to hurting them any further. John and I work seperate shifts so the only time we have to be together is every other weekend when its just the 2 of us and the little guy. Hopefully I can remain civil and stay busy. Excersizing is quick becoming my refuge…as is house cleaning….who’d a thunk?