wtf?

as I lay in bed, trying to falll asleep, i hear the door of my room jitter.  No big deal, i think, i’ll just play like i’m asleep, and the person will walk through to the laundry room like they do all the time…

but then the noise of the person indicates that they aren’t heading towards the laundry room.  They quietly shut the door, then stand there in silence for a couple seconds.

of course, when you are fake-sleeping, those seconds turn into an eternity… trying to figure out who in the world is in your room and why?

I hear them take a step or make some noise… I vaguely see a cell phone turned on to provide some extra light… I still lay there, trying to control my breathing. 

Finally, I have to move, i guess to see what they would do, I shift my legs, almost closing tigher in to a fetal position ball.

Silence.

Then, As i sit there in this crazy anticipation, they finally put their hand on my back.  and he says my name aloud.  At first i choose not to respond, but after a second more, i sort of turn over and ‘wake up’

‘do you want somebody to cuddle with?’

what?! at first i dont even recogize who exactly it is, only that i do know them.  The smell of alcohol is apparent. 

and then i realize it’s him.  and now i’m even more confused.  ‘why are you here?’

‘i thought you might like to cuddle.’

what is with the word cuddle? I’m so confused.  I’m fully awake, yet trying to act half asleep, failing miserable, because my confusion is keeping me alert, listening to every word he says..

and then we get into a casual conversation.  about how’s life, how’s that major workin’ out for ya, and so forth.   meanwhile my mind is racing trying to decide how to handle this situation…

and then i politely decline his proposition to cuddle…. stating that i do indeed have to get up at 7am for a production meeting…. and do need to actually sleep.

after some more chit chat and persuading… he finally says goodnight and leaves.  I lay back in bed, and start to rehash what exactly just happened.

I lay there and start to get comfortable and in a semi-conscious state again,

and the door opens. 

okay, confused again.

as he stands in the doorway in a silouette, he proclaims that he’s always found me attractive but in a much more metaphorical and lenghthy sort of way. 

“thank you, i think…”

and he then polietly dismisses himself, and shuts the door. 

and then i layed there, still confused, trying to figure out what in the world just happened, and why the fuck it jsut happened.

was this jsut drunken horniness by this guy, or is/was there any truth to what he said?

what is intriguing is how calm and polite the whole ordeal was.  soft. 

and now i can’t decide whether or not i made the right choice.  especially as my mind drifts in and out of my lonliness status which was pointed out to me yet again tonight by a dear friend.  i dont do relationships.  and i dont know why i avoid them… well, i dont avoid them them necessarily…more like i wait for them to come to me, and we all god damn know tha tyou cant sit around and wait for something to happen to you…

… but then again, this random proposition was by no way caused by my actions… and i think thats partly what i liked so much about it.  god i hate to sya it, but it was approaching romantic in a fucked up sort of way.

talk about an interesting fork in the road…

and somehow these past couple days i’ve been CRAVING human contact.  i really could of used that cuddle…. but then again… i’m sort of holding out for this other guy, and in the meantime, i don tknow.

so confused and longing for something i dont know.

d.