bittersweet

End of the semester is mostly here.

One paper is almost done, sitting open in Word, waiting to be re-read one more time.

One group project is almost done, simply need to give it a couple hours of attention.

My JMS project might not be as far as I want, but I plan to come back from break with a well written, formatted and almost complete book. 

—-

So many things have happened in the past couple weeks.  Life has slipped through my fingers like water… There was an unexpected fling, and another guy whom I must now figure out if what I felt three weeks ago is still true and worth persuing. 

The stress of life smacked me in teh face by giving me some flu like something.  Life fell apart, and when i came to about a week ago, i realized that I had been pulled from my stage management gig for the opera.  What is perhaps the worst part is that I wasn’t upset at all.  I really just didn’t care. 

I realized as I continued to study my management class textbook that the motivation and leadership details outlined in that book applied perfectly to the theatre dept.

Really right now there is only one proffessor whom i have a decent level of respect for and can trust.  Sean’s classes have always been an escape from the rest of the department’s drahma.  This year’s jazz class had such a great atmosphere within it, we were essentially like a family. 

un bit lighting kicked some ass.  It was a quick design… fairly cliche’  but at least i had the flexibility to do a lot of differnt effects as needed throughout the different skits. 

I want to fly away.  the fact that the bird metaphor still consistantly hits home with me results in some songs, acting scenes, and random things to hit that sensitive nerve of mine. 

un bit had the bible of old skits with them during the show…. there were two that hit me freshman year and I still agree with them. 1 was about the need for human contact, and the other was about sitting in the middle of busy mueller and feeling utterly alone.

passion… is dead.  I have no passion for much of anything or anyone anymore.  the people i have felt passionatly about have left me dead in teh water.  the projects i’ve felt passionate about have been pushed to the side by commitments, and this life is now left with just doing things because.  jsut because… no reason.

i feel cold and dead. like a wilted flower in an otherwise empty garden. 

the closest i felt to anyone is last weekend… i was longing for a connection… and to sleep next to somebody, i felt some warmth and human connection, albeit a temporary solution which faded within a day.  however for those few hours i could smile and breathe easy.

this entry is a mess.  kind of like my room.  kind of like my life… kind of like me.

tomorrow i print off this paper, turn it in, and work in kfac for the day.  over lunch i’ll go to the costume shop and put all the hats away… no, i’m not going to finish that project.  I have no desire to do such a thing.

i didn’t go to thirsty thursday at the winery… i was probably the only senior theatre major not to… a) i was writing this paper, 2) i didn’t feel the connection. 

I watch will and grace almost religiously now.  if only the gay men in my life would be like that.  its those relationships in that show that i love.  in soo many ways i’m just like grace.

goo goo dolls. iris.

I love how life goes on around here without me. I could disappear for a week and I bet nobody would notice.

 

d.