a rant.

today i had a purpose.  A reason to go out.  And so i got myself all dolled up and went to cat’s party.  It was fun times.  I really like that group of peeps. 

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now for the rant.

I had in my mind something I planned to do.  It was a perfect situation, a fantasy … although not the erotic type.  It was a completetion of the circle.  a 2… almost 3 year circle. It was perfect in my mind. 

It didn’t happen.  However, just being there was a bittersweet symphony for me.  I realized that my insane ‘perfect situation’ was still justified and even better than before. At first it was just mentioned, but when i saw what they were talking about, it created a painful longing inside me that I only wish i could of burst out everything right there.  However, a slight awkwardness took over a moment later, almost as if my thoughts were known by others, and the evening was not going to be as good as i had hoped. 

All was not lost though.  It was an enjoyable evening, and one tidbit of information was not spoken of until almsot the very last moment.  It was a case of everything going well again, a glimmer of hope and then almost without notice, smack. stop. crash. silence. Something i didn’t want to hear.  Of course, one can not exactly react visibly with such dissapointment as I felt since it would seem improper and rude, but as well as i am at consealing my emotions, i’m sure somebody would have seen something change in my eyes if they had been looking. 

there is of course one loophole that could save me from complete dispair.  The chances of it being a loophole like that, however, is unlikely.  Mentioning it is scarecly worth the time it takes to type it.  For now, I think I will let this whole thought and dream of mine pass.  What I had hoped for will not happen this time. I will wait for another day, when i have the necessary information that would be good for me, but bad for others.  When i know that fact is certain, then perhaps I will plan to try again, although the chances of this perfect circle event will not happen as it did in my mind last night.  This oppertunity was lost, just like it was lost those 2… almost 3 years ago. 

Alas, now some can read into what i say, yet fact or fiction this story will remain.  However, what i speak of here is similar to many of my life stories.  Many an evening I’ve had the exact same thing happen.  And many an evening, nobody was looking for the sorrow in my eyes when certain words were spoken.

I leave now, feeling particularly proud of the writing voice in my head this evening, for it seems as if there is someone else writing this for me.  Usuially i am not one who writes in this style, but whether or not anyone else notices this difference, I shall not know (that is, unless they say they notice). 

Perhaps I should add one more resoulustion to my list of many that i have decided upon.  I will work on my writing skills in OD.  Rather than just writing with a angry unsophisicated tone, i believe i would like to write will something that is nicer to read, smoother and perhaps more understandalbe.  spelling however, is not to be improved, cuz i dont really care about such details.

alas, i am done writing for the eveing,  I am going to watch some orlando bloom pirate action and enjoy it.

🙂

d.