22 sucks.

happy fuckin birthday to me.

spent the day with mom and sue ellen (mom’s friend who also shares January 7th with me).  went to eat, went shopping at ridiculous shops. I bought nothing. we went to eat again. then i watched twister on tnt.  then i payed some of my credit card bill.  realized i’m broke.  what a depressing birthday.  22 sucks.

the only hilight was that last night at like 2:30am i was listening to 319 and got most of the blocking done.  I should sit down and put together a rehearsal schedule.

i need to make a decision on my classes for next semester… but until we know what time the lighting class is, i’m at a stand still… its unfinished business that is really bothering me.

oi.

IM FRUSTERATED!

and janesville sucks. but i’m not making any more movies about it.  cuz it sucks too much to even make fun of it.

F YOU ***** … you have it all going for you.. you have your ducks in a row.. your creative vision is working and you are completely dedicated to your project.. and you’re workign and making money…. i guess i’m just jelous.  I guess my creative luster has dried up and for now i’m going through the motions… Even my ideas for a dance production is just ‘going through the motions.’ … the lack of response from fisherman copletely shut me down at millikin…. I poured all my time and energy into that project and only one faculty saw it.. and the success was only felt for ten minutes.  It’s the problem with thteatre.. it doesn’t last… the glory fades ten times faster than the amount of time and energy that you put into it. 

i guess that’s why i still look to the kolisto video, jvl sucks 1, jvl sucks 2 and now sweet charity as moments and art frozen in time…. Charity is a moment of theatre frozen in time.  My video of fisherman is a moment frozen in time.  My video of toxic and everytime i hear ‘turn me on’ is an instant flashback to those respective glories…

I have a video of night music’s designer run.. I have millers son and clowns… Every once and a while i watch Katie sing millers… and i remember getting sooo caught up in that moment that it hurt inside….  I remember garrett talking to me during designer run’s intermission.. saying something amoung the lines that I was the only one smiling and really enjoying their performance…

And i guess secret garden even has those moments too… final dress when i completely broke down in teh fourth row towards the end… the show caught me and I cried silently all by myself for 5 minutes while the show finished, while an unknowing audience and tech crew stood behind me watching the stage and taking photos…

I guess this just means that this down time is really as bad for me as it is good… organizationally it is needed… mentally though, it is split 50/50… i needed a break from millikin.. but i dont’ think idle time is the answer. 

I really dont care about pipedreams theatre projects… i quit pdtd.  did you forget… did you forget that I have nothing to do with that goddamn studio theatre program… which is serious corrupt and messed up and disorgainized and stuff.

and stuff.  thats the most important part.

whatever.

d.